I'm a little lonely, okay. I should have gone to Matt and Renee's tonight instead of almost being killed in an intersection I didn't understand on my way to Thai food that I had a craving for... only to feel like I was on display by being sat prominently in the middle of the restaurant, facing the front door. Chaba Thai's food was good, but they really wanted me to go through some sort of mental battery.

I practiced today, and might even practice some more before I go to bed... what else am I going to do? I feel like I'm the only one of my species to forge a path into this strange land... but when I contact the other members of the species, they feel as lonely as I do. This seems inefficient. Couldn't I bring all the people I love into one convenient location where we could all reside and have perfect jobs together? I feel like the course of my life has led me farther and farther away from the most important people in my life, and I think that's one of the saddest thoughts I've ever had.

How do I get past this? Which is more important in my life: my family and friends who have seen me through so much being close to me constantly - or making sure I keep my career dreams intact?

Never really considered the possibility to be either or. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face what the answer may truly be sometimes.

I don't want to give you the wrong impression... this city is incredible.

I mean, really. I'm a block from a light rail stop. I'm on the second floor (which gives me a much less chance of being robbed... yet another upgrade from my last place.) And it cools off at night here. No more humidity to hold in the heat until you die.

This doesn't seem to outweigh all my mind has gone through in the past month. Almost exactly a month ago, Tom proposed to me. This made me incredibly happy; I've never known I could love someone as much as I love him. Since I've become one half of a betrothed couple, the following has happened:
-I have packed up my entire apartment
-I've moved across the country from Chicago
-I've driven a Honda Civic with no air conditioning all the way from Knoxville
-I've failed to spend a week in the same place since I moved (unsure of exactly when that will happen)
-I left everyone I came to know and care about for the past two years, and therefore felt like as much of a chump as when I left Colorado

I guess it's not that farfetched to suggest that I'm freaking out a little.

Everything is strange to me. I spent last night alone, in my new apartment, with new sounds and smells surrounding me. I don't think I slept very well, and as it approaches midnight, I anticipate the same problem again. (It doesn't help that the dinner I made for myself tonight appears to be making me sick.) It makes a big difference, knowing there's a pair of arms I can jump into if I get scared in the middle of the night. I never anticipated being so dependent on something... and maybe I'm not, but there's a lot to be said for security and familiarity.

I think I need a stress reliever. Yoga, bubble baths... I need to figure something out to get myself focused and in a routine. Stuffing down bad Chinese food at 2 in the afternoon and then gagging on your comfort food that you somehow managed to screw up - Casey, you're not doing a lot for your mental state.

Whoever this reaches in the ethos - just send me a couple of good thoughts. I promise to send them back to you tenfold... once I get on my feet again.

Thanks, all. Here's to hoping tomorrow proves a bit better!

Love,
me