I did an amazingly smart thing, and put off my full teaching schedule until next week. Tomorrow a relatively busy day awaits me, but I will still be able to come home, clean, organize, and practice before I drive myself too insane.

I can't believe my full schedule is starting back up again. My resolution for this year (if you want to call it that) is to remain together and peaceful. Prioritize the right things in life, like my relationship, my violin, my space, my students, and my sanity. (This is in no particular order.) Making sure the house is picked up at night is a wonderful help. I wonder how long I can keep this trend going...

Ahhhh, the anxiety dreams are FINALLY subsiding. I am now officially on vacation mode, without the worry about what I'm currently falling behind on. They've been varied - having to tell students bad news about their prospects is a theme, as well as unexpected travel at the last second. Finally last night I dreamed I was on tour with a local band. We were playing and singing and making awesome music for a super appreciative crowd. It took lots of planning and making of to-do lists, but my brain seems to think I am appropriately caught up enough to enjoy things that should ACTUALLY be my dreams.

I am currently doing a successful job of puttering. I'm making lists of things to do around the house, and I'm getting exercise and plenty of sleep. I'm slowly adjusting back to eating right, and adjusting my outlook to one day at a time, instead of fretting about things that are months in the future (my usual MO.) Today, for instance, I went for a morning run (huffed through much of it, but it counts), caught up on all my email (there are but SIX emails in my inbox right now!), and put the Christmas decorations away. I've been imagining things that by most standards could be New Year's Resolutions, but I think are just added to a list of Ways to Make Myself More Well-Rounded, which has been my goal as a human in general since I graduated from Northwestern. Craftiness is on the brain, and while I've got my knitting basket staring me in the face, and my best bud giving me crochet lessons very soon, I find myself obsessed with finding new projects. I want to know how to paint something. I want to be able to look at an area of my apartment and know how to wave a magic wand. I want to be one of those people who looks at the couch and thinks, "Hmm, needs a revamp. Better stitch up a few throw pillows." And then to make the leap and say "Ooh, how about using those jeans I was going to throw out because of the rip in the thigh?" That's some serious leveling-up crafty ability.

Then I look at a site like THIS, and I think "Well, crap. I can't sew, I have no materials to measure or properly cut my material, and I don't want to think past three steps for something." That's when I go back to videos of talking cats.

However, I do feel like I can take on the task of making my own pushpin board out of all of the bazillions of used wine corks from over the years - I'll have to let you know how that goes. It'll have to wait, because this just happened:



This also reminds me that I have that little tabletop tree to take down. Eh, I'm on vacation, right?

Thoughts on 2011

January 1st is the day of reflection for me. I think December 31st is supposed to be the official Reflection Day for most people, but scurrying around running errands and then BARELY losing an epic game of Trivial Pursuit kind of ate up the day for me. So time moves forward, and as usual, I get to stuff late.

All in all, I would rate this year in the upper good range (didn't know there was a year-rating spectrum, didja?). Thanks to iPhoto helping me organize photos by dates, and iCal retroactively saving most things, I'm able to remember a few highlights from this year:

-The whole year has a theme of me getting fed up with myself and the way I fail to maintain my own health. I felt huge, uncoordinated, sluggish, and on top of that I was still trying to figure out my fairly constant stomach issues. The revelation of eating a little less in the way of grains gave way to a happier digestive system that could suddenly handle dairy without any issue. That was a good victory.



Greek yogurt with fresh fruit and slivered almonds is a pretty amazing treat.

-In late February, we discovered a wet and unhappy kitty that appeared to be trapped on our back balcony in the freezing rain. We let it in, dried it off and gave it some food. It stayed the night with us, even snuggling up on our bed, and I'd be lying if I said we weren't the teensiest bit disappointed that we found its proper owner the next morning. It was then that we decided we needed to add to our happy little family.



Buster and Zelda have changed the entire feel of the house, and have given us wonderful creatures to bond with. Also, when Hubby and I talk to them, we sound like idiots.

-I was able to see my wonderful, beautiful friend Stacey in March, finally checking out her new digs in Salt Lake City. Also managed to surprise my amazing friend Kellen at his graduation in May - that was a good time.



She's freaking cute.

-No pictures on this one, but I danced my first live belly dancing show in April. I'm officially hooked, and must do this again.

-It was a fantastic summer, not particularly filled with money, but good music and good family trump all.



YMA is an amazing summer music camp, set at the picturesque Willammette University in Salem. We stay there for two weeks, and the kids get a wonderful musical experience while escaping the rest of the real world, who for the most part considers them geeks and outsiders. The amazing faculty at YMA lets them know that the geekiness pays off big time.



The first (hopefully annual) family reunion from my mother's side of the family took place directly after YMA, and I was able to re-meet all of my eleven cousins from that side, most of whom I hadn't seen in over ten years. Also gave me time to hang with my awesome niece, who is still as much of a joy and wonder as the day she was born.




By the time I got to the Oregon Coast Music Festival, I was spent and ready to get home, but still managed to enjoy some seriously beautiful sights. I was really, REALLY over traveling at that point.

-Now that I've finally seen some progress, I can officially announce to all that I've been on Weight Watchers since May. It's turned out quite well for me. After so much time of not understanding food or my relationship with it, a combination of WW and running has really begun to transform me. The visual result is pretty great, even though I'm only part way through my weight loss, and the physical result is astounding. For the first time in my life, I feel STRONG. I feel some physical insecurities have begun to fade away.

So, for the sake of comparison, here's my proverbial "before" picture, taken right before I started the Weight Watchers program:



And a few months later, after completing my first 5k race (with the support of my wonderful friend Marya):



It's not a side-by-side just yet, but I'm the most shocked by the difference you can see in the face. I truly feel as though I am doing something good for my body. I took the holidays off of exercise and diet (not enough to gain anything back, mind you), and I felt my muscles crave a good kick in the butt. I started my running regimen again recently, and feel the relief running through my body. The quest to become healthier, as it turns out, is a noble one.
***
As I look ahead to 2012, I'm quite optimistic for the year. I've got great musical plans lined up, another crazy and wonderful summer, and plenty of surprises to come my way. I try real hard to be a better human being every day, and I'm convinced more and more that this is the main reason of being.

A Happy New Year to everyone. Here's to the best year we can work for.

My heart is warmed. We are starting rehearsals (make that *rehearsal*) for the Nutcracker. This may not mean new music to sink my teeth into, but it definitely means that this holiday season is WAY better than the last one. I'm making money, the Nutcracker puts me in the holiday spirit, and to put a cherry on top, I remembered how to knit even though I haven't touched my needles in MONTHS!

It's a great time of year. Thanks, Nutcracker.

Tonight is my first Christmas concert where I am teaching a fully fledged string ensemble.

Of course, the ensemble has three people in it, and no violas, which leaves me to fill in with my awesome uneducated skill set - shut uuuuuup...

STILL, it is the first night of what has been promised to be an epic event. My university apparently holds three services over the course of a weekend, with a total of 1200 people passing through the doors over said weekend. The tickets sold out weeks ago.

On the string ensemble slice of the program: A mild-mannered version of Corelli's Christmas concerto that lasts all of three minutes, a quartet reduction of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, and an arrangement of What Child is This by yours truly. I have been informed by my supervisor that normally the attendees DO NOT CLAP, as it is a CHURCH SERVICE.

This, however, brings up an interesting point. I attended many, many church services as a child, and now performed in several as an adult. Clapping to show appreciation after a performance has seemed fairly random. Here are some observations I have made so far on the subject:

*If the piece ends quietly, applause is much less likely. The reverse is true for a piece that ends loudly.
*The quality is important. Applause happens for the very very good performances, as well as the very not so good ones. Average, middle-of-the-road performances are not usually applauded after.
*The Lutheran congregation seemed hesitant to start their applause. The Baptist congregation dove right in. This is unexpected somehow.
*Prelude and offertory music are much more quietly received, supposedly in anticipation of either the start of the service or a benediciton.
*You could miss about twenty notes in your piece and no matter what applause you get, you will get an appreciative member of the congregation who will make it a point to tell you how much they enjoyed it. They are a nice bunch.

It will be interesting to watch the collective mindset of the audience tonight. Immediately following our performance are three verses of Silent Night, during which we will be moving stuff on the stage. That in itself should be applause worthy, but usually isn't. And then follows a couple more hours where I will have to sit in the back with the students since this place is completely sold out.

On a related note, I am so proud of my kiddos. They have come a long way. And they sound pretty darn good.

I have reached this point every year since high school and am surprised by it every time. It's December, people. The academic world starts snowballing.

Actually, that's not quite accurate. It would be a snowball if one spends Thanksgiving break building up events and homework and business. But that never happens. Thanksgiving is a welcome break from the chaos that begins building from about the middle of October. Then the chaos slams again. So you're not so much experiencing a snowball effect so much as the feeling one would get after the eye of a hurricane has passed,

Eyes become bleary, and an amazing feat happens every year. Students and faculty alike realize they are dangerously close to the end of the term, and a haze sets over campus. Everyone develops what is understood to be a countdown meter above their heads, letting everyone know that their exhaustion is justified. They will make it, they will do everything that is required of them to the best of their ability, and then they will collapse and firmly not think about education for about two weeks.

I, in my infinite wisdom, scheduled a final for the participants in my string ensemble. I figured it was a way to raise the bar - make sure that my group is dutifully studying scales and etudes along with learning their ensemble repertoire. It would let people know that the new faculty member in town expected some serious work and individual practice! And something worked - my group sounds far betterr than it did at the beginning of the semester, that's for sure.

However, I now realize why my ensemble directors in the past never scheduled finals: they would have to show up for them!

The worst part is that now I have set a precedent. It will just look silly of me to stop the running of these tests unless my group grows to a size where it doesn't make sense to run 1-on-1 finals anymore. I have committed myself to finals week indefinitely.

One learns a lot their first term as the new kid in town. It's all worth it, though- my kids rock. And more importantly, they're excited to play.

This is really all I require.

Dear Republican Party:

I knew you would have some significant victories tonight, and I know some people think we need a change. However, I have already felt that change. Obama has passed legislation on student loans and credit cards that have saved me a LOT of money. Money I have - you guessed it - put back in the economy. Please talk to each other these next two years. Focusing on reversing the progress that has already happened won't be good for anyone. And please don't take away these wonderful changes he's made for people in debt like me. I really enjoy being able to eat and pay rent.

Respectfully,

Me

PS - a shout out to the Pres. Thank you for saving me hundreds of dollars a year. Thank you for keeping this country safe without a fear-based agenda. Thank you for giving children healthcare and protecting the future of this country. I know there are people who are afraid of what you stand for, and are latching on to the abstract notion that you may do something they disapprove of. I prefer to focus on the concrete things that have already happened.

My car is plastered in lovely, yellow leaves. It's gray, but not dark outside. I am swapping outerwear between my rocking Mammoth rain jacket and a wide assortment of knitwear dusters depending on the moisture content outside. It is officially fall in Oregon, and I am digging it.

Last year I got a little blue during the winter, and I am determined to not let that happen this year. I have lots of good things going for me this year:

I have a much better work schedule this year.
I am able to take more gigs this year.
I have jobs giving me great experience for down the road.
I will be able to go see my family for Thanksgiving.
Spring break lined up for both me and hubby, meaning we have a potentially amazing vacation on our hands.
After giving up lactose and caffiene, I am feeling generally healthier.
More gigs and teaching means more violin playing, which means I am much closer to the sheer amount of playing I was doing in school.
The ballet came to their senses and we now get Nutcracker services this December.
Hubby and I have decided on a super cool Christmas present for ourselves.

Now, if I can find some more variety in my diet, and maybe get myself to the gym, I should have an awesome winter. I hope.

What I would really like to write here is a long, lengthy complaint about people who seem to be doing their best to ruin me.

This, however, won't bode well for me in the near future, so I will have to save this for my own personal journal.

In the meantime, here's a picture of a puppy.



Exactly how I feel, little buddy.

Hobbies

I used to have a ton of hobbies.

Then I started grad school.

When I got my degree from Northwestern, it was one of the proudest days of my life. I had, in my hands, a masters degree which I had worked insanely hard for. So hard for, it seems, that people would ask me what I liked to do for fun and I couldn't answer them.

Here are the hobbies I have taken up since graduating three years ago. It still seems like a limited list, and I still feel like I have only a tiny bit of contributing conversation when talking with my super smart friends, but here goes.

Cooking. I kind of didn't have a choice in getting interested in this matter. Celiac makes you necessarily interested in food, and I know more and more about it every day as I simply take note of how my body is reacting to the stuff I eat. However, it has been exciting to broaden my horizons. This morning for breakfast I had fresh figs dipped in honey flavored lactose-free yogurt. Delicious, and definitely not something I would have ever craved three years ago.

Knitting. This is something I pick up and put down continually, but thanks to a generous Christmas present from Hubby, I got a huge shove in a more ambitious direction. This year I managed to complete a pair of fingerless gloves and one sock. (The other one's coming along.) I even had enough confidence in my ability to knit a scarf for my mom for Christmas. She loved it, and I don't think she was feigning enthusiasm just because I'm her daughter.

Growing a patio garden. Difficult in Oregon, and the season is already just about over. I did manage three or four strawberries, a good dozen green beans, and one lemon cucumber this year, though. I have some tomatoes that are big and green, but I am not holding out hope for any of them turning red.

Geocaching. Best treasure hunting ever! I haven't been out looking in a while, and I have only found twelve in total, but I very much enjoy the chase.

Belly dancing. My brand new one, and NO, I am not ready to dance for anyone just yet. I have had two private lessons and many private moments at home moving around with my coin belt, just listening for the right jingles to happen.

What are your hobbies? Any suggestions to continue my quest to be more than a person who plays the violin?

I am a pretty lucky, pretty healthy girl. I'm in my 20's, have my diet under control, and my exercising habits are getting much better. I realize I have it much better off than many, many people.

But one day a month makes me long for the days when I no longer have a menstrual cycle. I will not miss the achiness, bloatiness, dizziness, and general pain that comes along with the Heavy Day. (I will also not miss the quasi-related migraines that sometimes happen a couple days before.)

That is all! I am looking forward to tomorrow.

Prop 8 has been overturned, and I am fairly confident that anyone that knows me or reads my blog semi regularly knows that I am not only relieved, I feel it was the right decision. I know there are several out there who agree, and several who disagree.

I am not here to make points on why I think the repeal was the morally just decision; I can save that for a whole other blog post. I have made an observation, however. Those people who are in favor of Prop 8 generally do not know or associate themselves with many gay people, either knowingly or by choice. Those who think Prop 8 was wrong generally do.

A long time ago, someone who I consider far more than a friend to me came out. It was the first time anyone had ever told me they were gay before. Not long before the admission, I had made the comment, "you can't persecute people for who they're attracted to... gay people just can't HELP it!"

I am terribly embarrassed by this comment now. I wasn't homophobic in the least, I was simply ignorant. Not being able to "help" something has far too negative of a connotation. It is something people say in reference to terrible diseases ("She has cancer and is throwing up because she can't help it") or apologies ("I am so sorry I ate the last of the chips, I just could't help myself!")

I made this comment not because I was anti-gay. I made it because I had never known a gay person. Later on this same friend had his heart broken, not because he fell in love with a man, but because he had the terrible misfortune of falling in love with a jerk. (Gay people: they're just like us!!) I have seen people formerly squeamish over his homosexuality come to accept the guy he's with now, as he has had the amazing perseverance to show them he is still the same person, and an even better version of himself for knowing fully who he is.

In my eyes, he is remarkable because he is my friend. But his journey is not rare, and his situation is not special. His love is beautiful, but far from unique. Not unique means unfair when treated as an exception.

And with a heavy sigh, that is all. Start the cutthroat debate as you will.

I ♥ TV.

The shows I'm currently trying to catch up on/watch right now:

Mad Men (sooo good.)
Hung
Project Runway
Grey's Anatomy (I've got about half of last season to watch mindlessly)
Louie
Psych (this season is only okay, but it's a cute show)

Also got a few recommended to me that I've never seen, but are on my wishlist:

Weeds
Dexter
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Firefly

I hand it to you, interwebs. (I have a feeling Lisa, specifically, will have some ideas.) What am I missing?

Luxurious day. I woke up and shared a cup of coffee with my husband. Headed off to the gym, and treated myself to some sushi after doing some REALLY difficult ab work. Went grocery shopping, and threw barbeque chicken in the crockpot, letting the smell slowly permeate every corner of the apartment. Almost done cleaning the apartment, and I may have time to practice before dinner and rehearsal. I may even talk T into an episode of Mad Men before we hit the sack.

My schedule is slow until August 14th and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Won't get two weeks like this again until next year.

A New Love

That would be Coos Bay, Oregon.

About ten years ago, Coos Bay was evidently the site of an awful oil spill... did a number on a thriving oyster industry, and was a terrible foreshadowing of what was to come in the Gulf of Mexico on a much larger scale. You wouldn't know this, however, driving in Coos Bay today.

It's a typical Oregon coast town. It's on the sleepy side, it's small, and it's got a temperature range I could live in year round. And this week it was the host of the Oregon Coast Music Festival.



(I'm in there somewhere.)

I had a rough start to my summer. My teaching job that I was super secure with ended on a sour note. I had a plethora of music festivals to fill my summer, but the nagging feeling of what I was going to do was always looming on my mind.

Shortly after my kiddos' last recital, I took off for Astoria. Then Salem. Then Eugene. Then a job interview. Then bed (I was sick all the way back in Salem.) Then Eugene again. Coos Bay was going to be a quick week sandwiched between finishing arranging music and performing that same music, and then I would wrap up my summer in Los Angeles.

The Oregon Coast Music Festival is peaceful, away from stress. You can commit all musical emotion to the performances while enjoying the serenity of the silences. And something happened that week: I got a little piece of myself back.

Musicians need to be prepared to perform at any moment, in any venue. This may sound dramatic, but it's not uncommon. If we have a concert booked until ten on a Saturday night and are offered a lucrative Sunday morning gig at a church, we're going to take it. It's what freelancers do. It may be Sibelius at night and Mozart in the morning - we can and do change masks that fast.

I'm beginning to find that if I'm not careful, and I don't give myself time to decompress and come out of the constantly changing roles, I can get lost in it all. And I won't even see it coming. OCMF was therapeutic. Rehearse in the morning, explore the town in the afternoon, relax at supper, perform in the evening. Rigorous schedule physically, but nothing compared to what I had already put myself through. (And what is yet to come.)

I did my best this week. I truly always do my best - I think this is the entire point of being a musician. But with a mental cleansing, I was really able to put my best foot forward. And I got stronger through the week. Looking back on it now, I think it was a subconscious push to get invited back next summer. And I hope I do, I really hope I do. The satisfaction was too great, the reward too gratifying.

I can face anything now. I got to remember who I was.

Zee bee-yoo-tee-full violinist

There are some pictures of me on the web that are less than flattering. (We can just leave it at that.)

This profile pic is definitely not one of them. It was taken by the amazingly talented Wendy Collins, whose website is here. If you are anywhere near the Portland area, getting any kind of photos, from headshots to candid family portraits, is an incredibly good idea.

I'm totally not exaggerating - I will be using the headshots she grabbed of me for many, many years to come.

I had myself a meditative weekend.

Friday and Saturday were spent in beautiful Astoria, which is a place I adore visiting more and more with each journey out there. Played some amazing music with some amazing people. I'm always grateful to play in an orchestra that functions as a mutual admiration society.

I also started reading Violin Dreams by Arnold Steinhardt. It's a book I've been recommended highly before by other musicians. I'm completely in love with it, and only on chapter four. The man knows how to write about music. It's like I took time to get back to my roots. Tell myself why I chose music as my profession, and that bad things happen in EVERY profession. All that matters is how one proceeds.

Sunday was spent completely with my husband. We've now been married a year, and have a great understanding and respect for each other. We took the day to drive up to Seattle and see a Mariners game. We ate good food and cheered loudly. Also got our feet and jeans pretty soaked - did you know it sometimes POURS in the Northwest?

I took, of course, zero pictures of these three wonderful days. I'm kind of okay with that. It was cleansing, and after an emotional week, I feel so much better. I'm practicing again, working out again, heck - I'm going OUTSIDE again. Things are much better, and much more stable. My summer festivals are shaping up, my fall studio is under development, and my winter recital is nearly decided.

Thank goodness.... I'm a musician again!!

I have this uneasy feeling. I'm feeling as though there are some people out there that I loved and trusted that suddenly did everything in their power to not have me around anymore. I haven't had that feeling since high school.

Heck, look at that sentence. It SOUNDS like high school.

I wish I could be more specific, but this is as venty as I can get on the internet. I knew this would be an interesting summer, and I'm not wrong.

This is a time in my life where I am grateful - SO GRATEFUL - that I am a musician. Music is a world to immerse oneself in to escape any troubles that come around. I am lucky enough to go to a rehearsal tonight and just PLAY. Good music, too - Sibelius and Grieg are wonderful pieces to take you away from reality and enjoy the life you live in.

Plus I am having a GREAT hair day, so I got that going for me.

Gather your forces before venturing forth

I ran across this piece of paper during the actual final (!!) phase of organizing our second bedroom. Quotes I had written down from ONE rehearsal at Northwestern. Too funny, and too good to not save electronically.

"French horn, English horn, American girls."
"Something is boiling underneath. It's a stew."
"At F, which stands for 'Florida Natural Orange Juice.'"
"Nature is not cooperating at the moment."
"French horns - I'm praying for you guys."
"I'm sorry, we have a huge COUGH coming from Memphis, Tennessee!"
"Maybe it was just a flukey mistake."
"Harmonics: nobody knows why we have them, nobody likes them, nobody knows how to play them."
"It's very cute what Mahler wrote."
"Give him slap in the face. He deserve it! Some people are bad."
"Those are boots. But they're not Austrian - they're Czech! Great shoes."
"Violas - please look at the freaky note there."
"Six flats. That's not a big Christmas present."
"Don't look at me!"
"I just realized Mahler was illegitimate son of Hindemith."
"I am delegating my authority from France to the trombone section."
"GATHER YOUR FORCES BEFORE VENTURING FORTH!" (He must have yelled this - my handwriting is in all caps.)

Time on her hands and an America's Next Top Model marathon on the TV was a dangerous combination. The second bedroom had been nagging - nay, SCREAMING at her to get organized. Piles upon piles of paper mess had to be gone through, and things needed to be labeled, reorganized, and in some cases delicately removed WITHOUT the comfort of protective biohazard gear.

Armed with a diet coke, she tiptoed her way in. The room looked innocent enough, but behind those swinging white doors lurked the day project of terror. Faintly, she heard a trace of her only company in the background:

"Girrrrrrrrl, we got TYRAMAIL!!"

Inhale, exhale. It just COULDN'T be as bad as she thought, right? There was no way in except to jump in with both feet. She reached out, touched the handle, and flung it wide open.

"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

****

Conclusion to follow. (???)