A New Leaf

2012-01-08T21:50:00.001-08:00

I did an amazingly smart thing, and put off my full teaching schedule until next week. Tomorrow a relatively busy day awaits me, but I will still be able to come home, clean, organize, and practice before I drive myself too insane.

I can't believe my full schedule is starting back up again. My resolution for this year (if you want to call it that) is to remain together and peaceful. Prioritize the right things in life, like my relationship, my violin, my space, my students, and my sanity. (This is in no particular order.) Making sure the house is picked up at night is a wonderful help. I wonder how long I can keep this trend going...

2012-01-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh, the anxiety dreams are FINALLY subsiding. I am now officially on vacation mode, without the worry about what I'm currently falling behind on. They've been varied - having to tell students bad news about their prospects is a theme, as well as unexpected travel at the last second. Finally last night I dreamed I was on tour with a local band. We were playing and singing and making awesome music for a super appreciative crowd. It took lots of planning and making of to-do lists, but my brain seems to think I am appropriately caught up enough to enjoy things that should ACTUALLY be my dreams.

I am currently doing a successful job of puttering. I'm making lists of things to do around the house, and I'm getting exercise and plenty of sleep. I'm slowly adjusting back to eating right, and adjusting my outlook to one day at a time, instead of fretting about things that are months in the future (my usual MO.) Today, for instance, I went for a morning run (huffed through much of it, but it counts), caught up on all my email (there are but SIX emails in my inbox right now!), and put the Christmas decorations away. I've been imagining things that by most standards could be New Year's Resolutions, but I think are just added to a list of Ways to Make Myself More Well-Rounded, which has been my goal as a human in general since I graduated from Northwestern. Craftiness is on the brain, and while I've got my knitting basket staring me in the face, and my best bud giving me crochet lessons very soon, I find myself obsessed with finding new projects. I want to know how to paint something. I want to be able to look at an area of my apartment and know how to wave a magic wand. I want to be one of those people who looks at the couch and thinks, "Hmm, needs a revamp. Better stitch up a few throw pillows." And then to make the leap and say "Ooh, how about using those jeans I was going to throw out because of the rip in the thigh?" That's some serious leveling-up crafty ability.

Then I look at a site like THIS, and I think "Well, crap. I can't sew, I have no materials to measure or properly cut my material, and I don't want to think past three steps for something." That's when I go back to videos of talking cats.

However, I do feel like I can take on the task of making my own pushpin board out of all of the bazillions of used wine corks from over the years - I'll have to let you know how that goes. It'll have to wait, because this just happened:

This also reminds me that I have that little tabletop tree to take down. Eh, I'm on vacation, right?

Thoughts on 2011

2012-01-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

January 1st is the day of reflection for me. I think December 31st is supposed to be the official Reflection Day for most people, but scurrying around running errands and then BARELY losing an epic game of Trivial Pursuit kind of ate up the day for me. So time moves forward, and as usual, I get to stuff late.

All in all, I would rate this year in the upper good range (didn't know there was a year-rating spectrum, didja?). Thanks to iPhoto helping me organize photos by dates, and iCal retroactively saving most things, I'm able to remember a few highlights from this year:

-The whole year has a theme of me getting fed up with myself and the way I fail to maintain my own health. I felt huge, uncoordinated, sluggish, and on top of that I was still trying to figure out my fairly constant stomach issues. The revelation of eating a little less in the way of grains gave way to a happier digestive system that could suddenly handle dairy without any issue. That was a good victory.

Greek yogurt with fresh fruit and slivered almonds is a pretty amazing treat.

-In late February, we discovered a wet and unhappy kitty that appeared to be trapped on our back balcony in the freezing rain. We let it in, dried it off and gave it some food. It stayed the night with us, even snuggling up on our bed, and I'd be lying if I said we weren't the teensiest bit disappointed that we found its proper owner the next morning. It was then that we decided we needed to add to our happy little family.

Buster and Zelda have changed the entire feel of the house, and have given us wonderful creatures to bond with. Also, when Hubby and I talk to them, we sound like idiots.

-I was able to see my wonderful, beautiful friend Stacey in March, finally checking out her new digs in Salt Lake City. Also managed to surprise my amazing friend Kellen at his graduation in May - that was a good time.

She's freaking cute.

-No pictures on this one, but I danced my first live belly dancing show in April. I'm officially hooked, and must do this again.

-It was a fantastic summer, not particularly filled with money, but good music and good family trump all.

YMA is an amazing summer music camp, set at the picturesque Willammette University in Salem. We stay there for two weeks, and the kids get a wonderful musical experience while escaping the rest of the real world, who for the most part considers them geeks and outsiders. The amazing faculty at YMA lets them know that the geekiness pays off big time.

The first (hopefully annual) family reunion from my mother's side of the family took place directly after YMA, and I was able to re-meet all of my eleven cousins from that side, most of whom I hadn't seen in over ten years. Also gave me time to hang with my awesome niece, who is still as much of a joy and wonder as the day she was born.

By the time I got to the Oregon Coast Music Festival, I was spent and ready to get home, but still managed to enjoy some seriously beautiful sights. I was really, REALLY over traveling at that point.

-Now that I've finally seen some progress, I can officially announce to all that I've been on Weight Watchers since May. It's turned out quite well for me. After so much time of not understanding food or my relationship with it, a combination of WW and running has really begun to transform me. The visual result is pretty great, even though I'm only part way through my weight loss, and the physical result is astounding. For the first time in my life, I feel STRONG. I feel some physical insecurities have begun to fade away.

So, for the sake of comparison, here's my proverbial "before" picture, taken right before I started the Weight Watchers program:

And a few months later, after completing my first 5k race (with the support of my wonderful friend Marya):

It's not a side-by-side just yet, but I'm the most shocked by the difference you can see in the face. I truly feel as though I am doing something good for my body. I took the holidays off of exercise and diet (not enough to gain anything back, mind you), and I felt my muscles crave a good kick in the butt. I started my running regimen again recently, and feel the relief running through my body. The quest to become healthier, as it turns out, is a noble one.
***
As I look ahead to 2012, I'm quite optimistic for the year. I've got great musical plans lined up, another crazy and wonderful summer, and plenty of surprises to come my way. I try real hard to be a better human being every day, and I'm convinced more and more that this is the main reason of being.

A Happy New Year to everyone. Here's to the best year we can work for.

2010-12-10T18:07:00.000-08:00

My heart is warmed. We are starting rehearsals (make that *rehearsal*) for the Nutcracker. This may not mean new music to sink my teeth into, but it definitely means that this holiday season is WAY better than the last one. I'm making money, the Nutcracker puts me in the holiday spirit, and to put a cherry on top, I remembered how to knit even though I haven't touched my needles in MONTHS!

It's a great time of year. Thanks, Nutcracker.

2010-12-03T16:59:00.000-08:00

Tonight is my first Christmas concert where I am teaching a fully fledged string ensemble.

Of course, the ensemble has three people in it, and no violas, which leaves me to fill in with my awesome uneducated skill set - shut uuuuuup...

STILL, it is the first night of what has been promised to be an epic event. My university apparently holds three services over the course of a weekend, with a total of 1200 people passing through the doors over said weekend. The tickets sold out weeks ago.

On the string ensemble slice of the program: A mild-mannered version of Corelli's Christmas concerto that lasts all of three minutes, a quartet reduction of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, and an arrangement of What Child is This by yours truly. I have been informed by my supervisor that normally the attendees DO NOT CLAP, as it is a CHURCH SERVICE.

This, however, brings up an interesting point. I attended many, many church services as a child, and now performed in several as an adult. Clapping to show appreciation after a performance has seemed fairly random. Here are some observations I have made so far on the subject:

*If the piece ends quietly, applause is much less likely. The reverse is true for a piece that ends loudly.
*The quality is important. Applause happens for the very very good performances, as well as the very not so good ones. Average, middle-of-the-road performances are not usually applauded after.
*The Lutheran congregation seemed hesitant to start their applause. The Baptist congregation dove right in. This is unexpected somehow.
*Prelude and offertory music are much more quietly received, supposedly in anticipation of either the start of the service or a benediciton.
*You could miss about twenty notes in your piece and no matter what applause you get, you will get an appreciative member of the congregation who will make it a point to tell you how much they enjoyed it. They are a nice bunch.

It will be interesting to watch the collective mindset of the audience tonight. Immediately following our performance are three verses of Silent Night, during which we will be moving stuff on the stage. That in itself should be applause worthy, but usually isn't. And then follows a couple more hours where I will have to sit in the back with the students since this place is completely sold out.

On a related note, I am so proud of my kiddos. They have come a long way. And they sound pretty darn good.

2010-12-01T22:53:00.000-08:00

I have reached this point every year since high school and am surprised by it every time. It's December, people. The academic world starts snowballing.

Actually, that's not quite accurate. It would be a snowball if one spends Thanksgiving break building up events and homework and business. But that never happens. Thanksgiving is a welcome break from the chaos that begins building from about the middle of October. Then the chaos slams again. So you're not so much experiencing a snowball effect so much as the feeling one would get after the eye of a hurricane has passed,

Eyes become bleary, and an amazing feat happens every year. Students and faculty alike realize they are dangerously close to the end of the term, and a haze sets over campus. Everyone develops what is understood to be a countdown meter above their heads, letting everyone know that their exhaustion is justified. They will make it, they will do everything that is required of them to the best of their ability, and then they will collapse and firmly not think about education for about two weeks.

I, in my infinite wisdom, scheduled a final for the participants in my string ensemble. I figured it was a way to raise the bar - make sure that my group is dutifully studying scales and etudes along with learning their ensemble repertoire. It would let people know that the new faculty member in town expected some serious work and individual practice! And something worked - my group sounds far betterr than it did at the beginning of the semester, that's for sure.

However, I now realize why my ensemble directors in the past never scheduled finals: they would have to show up for them!

The worst part is that now I have set a precedent. It will just look silly of me to stop the running of these tests unless my group grows to a size where it doesn't make sense to run 1-on-1 finals anymore. I have committed myself to finals week indefinitely.

One learns a lot their first term as the new kid in town. It's all worth it, though- my kids rock. And more importantly, they're excited to play.

This is really all I require.

2010-11-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Republican Party:

I knew you would have some significant victories tonight, and I know some people think we need a change. However, I have already felt that change. Obama has passed legislation on student loans and credit cards that have saved me a LOT of money. Money I have - you guessed it - put back in the economy. Please talk to each other these next two years. Focusing on reversing the progress that has already happened won't be good for anyone. And please don't take away these wonderful changes he's made for people in debt like me. I really enjoy being able to eat and pay rent.

Respectfully,

Me

PS - a shout out to the Pres. Thank you for saving me hundreds of dollars a year. Thank you for keeping this country safe without a fear-based agenda. Thank you for giving children healthcare and protecting the future of this country. I know there are people who are afraid of what you stand for, and are latching on to the abstract notion that you may do something they disapprove of. I prefer to focus on the concrete things that have already happened.

2010-11-02T10:38:00.000-07:00

My car is plastered in lovely, yellow leaves. It's gray, but not dark outside. I am swapping outerwear between my rocking Mammoth rain jacket and a wide assortment of knitwear dusters depending on the moisture content outside. It is officially fall in Oregon, and I am digging it.

Last year I got a little blue during the winter, and I am determined to not let that happen this year. I have lots of good things going for me this year:

I have a much better work schedule this year.
I am able to take more gigs this year.
I have jobs giving me great experience for down the road.
I will be able to go see my family for Thanksgiving.
Spring break lined up for both me and hubby, meaning we have a potentially amazing vacation on our hands.
After giving up lactose and caffiene, I am feeling generally healthier.
More gigs and teaching means more violin playing, which means I am much closer to the sheer amount of playing I was doing in school.
The ballet came to their senses and we now get Nutcracker services this December.
Hubby and I have decided on a super cool Christmas present for ourselves.

Now, if I can find some more variety in my diet, and maybe get myself to the gym, I should have an awesome winter. I hope.

2010-09-10T17:52:00.001-07:00

What I would really like to write here is a long, lengthy complaint about people who seem to be doing their best to ruin me.

This, however, won't bode well for me in the near future, so I will have to save this for my own personal journal.

In the meantime, here's a picture of a puppy.

Exactly how I feel, little buddy.

Hobbies

2010-08-27T21:57:00.000-07:00

I used to have a ton of hobbies.

Then I started grad school.

When I got my degree from Northwestern, it was one of the proudest days of my life. I had, in my hands, a masters degree which I had worked insanely hard for. So hard for, it seems, that people would ask me what I liked to do for fun and I couldn't answer them.

Here are the hobbies I have taken up since graduating three years ago. It still seems like a limited list, and I still feel like I have only a tiny bit of contributing conversation when talking with my super smart friends, but here goes.

Cooking. I kind of didn't have a choice in getting interested in this matter. Celiac makes you necessarily interested in food, and I know more and more about it every day as I simply take note of how my body is reacting to the stuff I eat. However, it has been exciting to broaden my horizons. This morning for breakfast I had fresh figs dipped in honey flavored lactose-free yogurt. Delicious, and definitely not something I would have ever craved three years ago.

Knitting. This is something I pick up and put down continually, but thanks to a generous Christmas present from Hubby, I got a huge shove in a more ambitious direction. This year I managed to complete a pair of fingerless gloves and one sock. (The other one's coming along.) I even had enough confidence in my ability to knit a scarf for my mom for Christmas. She loved it, and I don't think she was feigning enthusiasm just because I'm her daughter.

Growing a patio garden. Difficult in Oregon, and the season is already just about over. I did manage three or four strawberries, a good dozen green beans, and one lemon cucumber this year, though. I have some tomatoes that are big and green, but I am not holding out hope for any of them turning red.

Geocaching. Best treasure hunting ever! I haven't been out looking in a while, and I have only found twelve in total, but I very much enjoy the chase.

Belly dancing. My brand new one, and NO, I am not ready to dance for anyone just yet. I have had two private lessons and many private moments at home moving around with my coin belt, just listening for the right jingles to happen.

What are your hobbies? Any suggestions to continue my quest to be more than a person who plays the violin?

2010-08-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

I am a pretty lucky, pretty healthy girl. I'm in my 20's, have my diet under control, and my exercising habits are getting much better. I realize I have it much better off than many, many people.

But one day a month makes me long for the days when I no longer have a menstrual cycle. I will not miss the achiness, bloatiness, dizziness, and general pain that comes along with the Heavy Day. (I will also not miss the quasi-related migraines that sometimes happen a couple days before.)

That is all! I am looking forward to tomorrow.

2010-08-06T22:34:00.000-07:00

Prop 8 has been overturned, and I am fairly confident that anyone that knows me or reads my blog semi regularly knows that I am not only relieved, I feel it was the right decision. I know there are several out there who agree, and several who disagree.

I am not here to make points on why I think the repeal was the morally just decision; I can save that for a whole other blog post. I have made an observation, however. Those people who are in favor of Prop 8 generally do not know or associate themselves with many gay people, either knowingly or by choice. Those who think Prop 8 was wrong generally do.

A long time ago, someone who I consider far more than a friend to me came out. It was the first time anyone had ever told me they were gay before. Not long before the admission, I had made the comment, "you can't persecute people for who they're attracted to... gay people just can't HELP it!"

I am terribly embarrassed by this comment now. I wasn't homophobic in the least, I was simply ignorant. Not being able to "help" something has far too negative of a connotation. It is something people say in reference to terrible diseases ("She has cancer and is throwing up because she can't help it") or apologies ("I am so sorry I ate the last of the chips, I just could't help myself!")

I made this comment not because I was anti-gay. I made it because I had never known a gay person. Later on this same friend had his heart broken, not because he fell in love with a man, but because he had the terrible misfortune of falling in love with a jerk. (Gay people: they're just like us!!) I have seen people formerly squeamish over his homosexuality come to accept the guy he's with now, as he has had the amazing perseverance to show them he is still the same person, and an even better version of himself for knowing fully who he is.

In my eyes, he is remarkable because he is my friend. But his journey is not rare, and his situation is not special. His love is beautiful, but far from unique. Not unique means unfair when treated as an exception.

And with a heavy sigh, that is all. Start the cutthroat debate as you will.

I ♥ TV.

2010-08-04T10:26:00.000-07:00

The shows I'm currently trying to catch up on/watch right now:

Mad Men (sooo good.)
Hung
Project Runway
Grey's Anatomy (I've got about half of last season to watch mindlessly)
Louie
Psych (this season is only okay, but it's a cute show)

Also got a few recommended to me that I've never seen, but are on my wishlist:

Weeds
Dexter
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Firefly

I hand it to you, interwebs. (I have a feeling Lisa, specifically, will have some ideas.) What am I missing?

2010-08-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

Luxurious day. I woke up and shared a cup of coffee with my husband. Headed off to the gym, and treated myself to some sushi after doing some REALLY difficult ab work. Went grocery shopping, and threw barbeque chicken in the crockpot, letting the smell slowly permeate every corner of the apartment. Almost done cleaning the apartment, and I may have time to practice before dinner and rehearsal. I may even talk T into an episode of Mad Men before we hit the sack.

My schedule is slow until August 14th and I intend to enjoy every minute of it. Won't get two weeks like this again until next year.

A New Love

2010-08-01T20:14:00.000-07:00

That would be Coos Bay, Oregon.

About ten years ago, Coos Bay was evidently the site of an awful oil spill... did a number on a thriving oyster industry, and was a terrible foreshadowing of what was to come in the Gulf of Mexico on a much larger scale. You wouldn't know this, however, driving in Coos Bay today.

It's a typical Oregon coast town. It's on the sleepy side, it's small, and it's got a temperature range I could live in year round. And this week it was the host of the Oregon Coast Music Festival.

(I'm in there somewhere.)

I had a rough start to my summer. My teaching job that I was super secure with ended on a sour note. I had a plethora of music festivals to fill my summer, but the nagging feeling of what I was going to do was always looming on my mind.

Shortly after my kiddos' last recital, I took off for Astoria. Then Salem. Then Eugene. Then a job interview. Then bed (I was sick all the way back in Salem.) Then Eugene again. Coos Bay was going to be a quick week sandwiched between finishing arranging music and performing that same music, and then I would wrap up my summer in Los Angeles.

The Oregon Coast Music Festival is peaceful, away from stress. You can commit all musical emotion to the performances while enjoying the serenity of the silences. And something happened that week: I got a little piece of myself back.

Musicians need to be prepared to perform at any moment, in any venue. This may sound dramatic, but it's not uncommon. If we have a concert booked until ten on a Saturday night and are offered a lucrative Sunday morning gig at a church, we're going to take it. It's what freelancers do. It may be Sibelius at night and Mozart in the morning - we can and do change masks that fast.

I'm beginning to find that if I'm not careful, and I don't give myself time to decompress and come out of the constantly changing roles, I can get lost in it all. And I won't even see it coming. OCMF was therapeutic. Rehearse in the morning, explore the town in the afternoon, relax at supper, perform in the evening. Rigorous schedule physically, but nothing compared to what I had already put myself through. (And what is yet to come.)

I did my best this week. I truly always do my best - I think this is the entire point of being a musician. But with a mental cleansing, I was really able to put my best foot forward. And I got stronger through the week. Looking back on it now, I think it was a subconscious push to get invited back next summer. And I hope I do, I really hope I do. The satisfaction was too great, the reward too gratifying.

I can face anything now. I got to remember who I was.

Zee bee-yoo-tee-full violinist

2010-07-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

There are some pictures of me on the web that are less than flattering. (We can just leave it at that.)

This profile pic is definitely not one of them. It was taken by the amazingly talented Wendy Collins, whose website is here. If you are anywhere near the Portland area, getting any kind of photos, from headshots to candid family portraits, is an incredibly good idea.

I'm totally not exaggerating - I will be using the headshots she grabbed of me for many, many years to come.

2010-06-22T17:56:00.000-07:00

I had myself a meditative weekend.

Friday and Saturday were spent in beautiful Astoria, which is a place I adore visiting more and more with each journey out there. Played some amazing music with some amazing people. I'm always grateful to play in an orchestra that functions as a mutual admiration society.

I also started reading Violin Dreams by Arnold Steinhardt. It's a book I've been recommended highly before by other musicians. I'm completely in love with it, and only on chapter four. The man knows how to write about music. It's like I took time to get back to my roots. Tell myself why I chose music as my profession, and that bad things happen in EVERY profession. All that matters is how one proceeds.

Sunday was spent completely with my husband. We've now been married a year, and have a great understanding and respect for each other. We took the day to drive up to Seattle and see a Mariners game. We ate good food and cheered loudly. Also got our feet and jeans pretty soaked - did you know it sometimes POURS in the Northwest?

I took, of course, zero pictures of these three wonderful days. I'm kind of okay with that. It was cleansing, and after an emotional week, I feel so much better. I'm practicing again, working out again, heck - I'm going OUTSIDE again. Things are much better, and much more stable. My summer festivals are shaping up, my fall studio is under development, and my winter recital is nearly decided.

Thank goodness.... I'm a musician again!!

2010-06-16T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have this uneasy feeling. I'm feeling as though there are some people out there that I loved and trusted that suddenly did everything in their power to not have me around anymore. I haven't had that feeling since high school.

Heck, look at that sentence. It SOUNDS like high school.

I wish I could be more specific, but this is as venty as I can get on the internet. I knew this would be an interesting summer, and I'm not wrong.

This is a time in my life where I am grateful - SO GRATEFUL - that I am a musician. Music is a world to immerse oneself in to escape any troubles that come around. I am lucky enough to go to a rehearsal tonight and just PLAY. Good music, too - Sibelius and Grieg are wonderful pieces to take you away from reality and enjoy the life you live in.

Plus I am having a GREAT hair day, so I got that going for me.

Gather your forces before venturing forth

2010-06-08T17:13:00.000-07:00

I ran across this piece of paper during the actual final (!!) phase of organizing our second bedroom. Quotes I had written down from ONE rehearsal at Northwestern. Too funny, and too good to not save electronically.

"French horn, English horn, American girls."
"Something is boiling underneath. It's a stew."
"At F, which stands for 'Florida Natural Orange Juice.'"
"Nature is not cooperating at the moment."
"French horns - I'm praying for you guys."
"I'm sorry, we have a huge COUGH coming from Memphis, Tennessee!"
"Maybe it was just a flukey mistake."
"Harmonics: nobody knows why we have them, nobody likes them, nobody knows how to play them."
"It's very cute what Mahler wrote."
"Give him slap in the face. He deserve it! Some people are bad."
"Those are boots. But they're not Austrian - they're Czech! Great shoes."
"Violas - please look at the freaky note there."
"Six flats. That's not a big Christmas present."
"Don't look at me!"
"I just realized Mahler was illegitimate son of Hindemith."
"I am delegating my authority from France to the trombone section."
"GATHER YOUR FORCES BEFORE VENTURING FORTH!" (He must have yelled this - my handwriting is in all caps.)

2010-06-08T12:00:00.001-07:00

Time on her hands and an America's Next Top Model marathon on the TV was a dangerous combination. The second bedroom had been nagging - nay, SCREAMING at her to get organized. Piles upon piles of paper mess had to be gone through, and things needed to be labeled, reorganized, and in some cases delicately removed WITHOUT the comfort of protective biohazard gear.

Armed with a diet coke, she tiptoed her way in. The room looked innocent enough, but behind those swinging white doors lurked the day project of terror. Faintly, she heard a trace of her only company in the background:

"Girrrrrrrrl, we got TYRAMAIL!!"

Inhale, exhale. It just COULDN'T be as bad as she thought, right? There was no way in except to jump in with both feet. She reached out, touched the handle, and flung it wide open.

"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"

****

Conclusion to follow. (???)

2010-06-06T23:20:00.001-07:00

Tonight I go to bed with nearly two weeks of unemployment facing me.

I've been told not to freak out, and to enjoy this amazing amount of free time. And I think I will. Cleaning, reading, practicing, gardening, and video games are a few items on my short list.

Of course, who knows how my subconscious will handle the whole thing. Perhaps anxiety ridden dreams of werewolves in suits telling me I will never work again will wrack my brain. (Don't laugh.)

(Okay, laugh. I guess I would.)

No matter what, I have Udi's bagels and Tofutti cream cheese awaiting me for breakfast in the morning. So life can't be too hopeless.

Sweet dreams, everybody!

Inspiration

2010-06-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

That's the name of the game today. The kiddos all banded together today and I had a record TWENTY TWO students perform at four separate recitals today. I am so proud of each and every one of them. I get the same reaction from many people when I tell them how many students I teach, and they all seem to say, "That's a lot!" "Yes," I respond, "But they're easy."

Musicians are very good at inspiring other musicians. No matter what their age. Every single recital I look at their work and think to myself, "Man, I have to start practicing." This time was slightly different. I looked at their work, and thought, "Look at how much they made out of what I assigned them." It's a challenge, to have someone else tell you what to play and get something good out of it. The students made it personal, which is also something I try to emphasize every day. If you're not up there to make music, what's the point?

And so we come to the manifestation of my inspiration: I want to make something out of somebody else's suggestion.

This winter, I will plan on my next recital... probably around Thanksgiving. And I have no ideas for programming. That is where you, dear readers (and eventually facebook friends) will come into play. My next recital will be entirely suggestions from others. Musician or non-musician, violinist or non-violinist, it doesn't matter. Suggestions may range anywhere from Brahms sonatas to Hot Cross Buns. I want a program given to me, as I have a tendency to trust the opinion of the collective versus what I could possibly come up with on my own. (This is kind of the the wikipedia philosphy.)

A more organized facebook campaign is to follow. Until then, post your ideas in the comments! Bach, Beethoven, or Backstreet Boys - nothing is off limits.

Live Blogging from a Gluten Attack

2010-06-03T14:12:00.000-07:00

.....except not really.

The attack happened yesterday, from a beloved restaurant I've never had any trouble with before. And wasn't malicious - I don't even bother to mention my celiac-osity to them because I didn't even think there would be a problem with cross contamination. HAH. Won't be making that mistake again. It was vicious, as if they poured flour straight into their guacam - oop, see, I've already said too much. But any future orders from that place will include the words "WHEAT ALLERGY" right in the instructions so no more attacks will happen.

This was the worst gluten-ache I've had since I started the diet. People often ask what happens if I accidentally ingest gluten, and it's hard to answer. When I was eating it all the time, I got so used to the stomachaches that I wasn't really realizing I had them. I can remember constant stomach pain, and I can remember being exhausted after eating. And I used to get sick a lot more often.

I saw an opportunity through the attack to blog about my experience, trying to give people some sort of information about why celiacs INSIST on following this crazy, inconvenient diet. I decided this of sound mind, when I could feel the attack coming on, and decided to start blogging as soon as I got back from the grocery store - a cherry coke is usually the only way I can soothe my poor tummy.

Halfway through the ten-minute drive to the store, I'm sweating and slouching over from the pain. By the time I made my purchase and got back home, I was only able to scrawl out a few notes of what was going through my mind on a pad of paper. Now, 24 hours later, I will try to decipher them for you:

1. "green stomach"
I'll let you just think about this for a second... yeah. I visualize what happens to my stomach, and in my mind, it's clearly turning green. This happens at the beginning, when I'm starting to recognize that my pain is from an accidental gluten ingestion.

2. "dishrag stomach"
Another visualization as the pain increases. It's a very specific pain, and feels as though someone is trying to wring out my stomach, like a dishrag. It's a bizarre, twisty feeling that is very recognizable and much worse than run-of-the-mill indigestion or monthly menstrual cramps.

3. "gagginess - preparing for vomiting"
Although I have yet to throw up from a gluten attack, it's always bad enough that my body keeps this as a good option to take. My stomach goes to work coating my esophagus, just in case. I can feel it at the back of my throat, which sets off my gag reflex pretty consistently.

4. "gassiness"
Self explanatory.

5."unusual midsection noises"
As if my stomach were trying to actually vocalize something, like, "This is not my normal digestion process, because antibodies are screaming at me and I can't get any work done!!"

6. "achy joints and muscles from trying to stop pain"
The pain starts at my stomach, and constantly feels like it's getting bigger. My entire body kicks in to try and keep it contained to my stomach, and the stress eventually makes everything ache, kind of like I'm having an onset of the flu. It's getting pretty bad at this point - so much so that even my handwriting is getting worse.

7. "tired and cranky"
I've obviously written this after I've put myself on the couch. While sleeping isn't easy in this condition, it's something my body orders me to do. The one thing my brain keeps telling me is to shut down my system for a while so healing can happen before I reboot and try again.

8. "chills and worse pain"
This is the last note. I pulled a fleece blanket out from behind a pillow on the couch and shivered in front of the TV.

So the good news is that this whole process takes anywhere from two to three hours. While it's awful the whole time, it's not enough to derail my entire day. But it does make me pretty nonfunctional, and the most incredible thing I keep thinking of is that for 15 years, I lived with these symptoms EVERY DAY.

I'm not writing this for pity or sympathy - like I said, the fault is really mine for not clearly communicating my dietary needs. But I think it's important to try to spell things like this out to people who can't quite understand, and especially to people who are skeptical that food intolerances even exist. (Yup, they're out there.) There are celiacs currently living with the condition that don't know it, and that have symptoms even worse than this. Living with this disease for years can make you a tired person with little energy for anything. Living with the disease for decades can cause people to suffer neurological symptoms like migraines and even seizures.

I'm fine today - if anything, the relief that goes away after an attack is enough to propel you into a fabulous mood.

2010-05-22T11:53:00.000-07:00

It has been surprisingly blustery here the past few days. It's cruel. You get a week of 70 degree weather, all the windows in your house are open, and you think, "Finally! I can shut off the heat!" Then the next day you wake up and walk into the living room and it is FREAKING FREEZING! The sun is out, which means the 45 degree weather may climb a few degrees, but YIKES.

So I'm considering trying my second attempt at pho tonight - it's a lovely, brothy way to warm up. Once the broth has simmered to its full flavor, it's easy to throw in meat, onions, and rice noodles - then you're good to go. And as I sit here hunched over by my computer, with a fleece tucked around me, I can think of nothing but it.

The weather may be different where you are. (Especially since it's MAY.) So, what's for dinner?

2010-05-21T12:10:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I've been mysteriously absent from cyberspace. I didn't miss it - I probably check my un-updated blog more than anyone else.

The truth is I've had a tough couple of months. There's been money stuff, diet stuff, BIBS stuff (that's Body Image Bull S**t for those who aren't up on my super cool acronyms), and audition stuff. All of the above also lead to depression stuff, which is something that I have been fortunate enough to avoid for the vast majority of my life. When it shows up, however, I'm never quite sure how to deal with it. It's been overwhelming, and even though I've not ever been at a loss for what to talk about, every time I sat down at the computer everything rushed together at once and clogged the pipes.

I finally figured out that over the next couple of months, I have some seriously good things to look forward to. I'm going to have the opportunity to travel - two festivals at the Oregon Coast, two weeks in Salem, and my beloved Gold Coast festival in Los Angeles, with enough good friends and good music to get me re-energized for the coming year. I get to see some of my dearest friends in a little less than a week. And with the downtime over the summer, I am planning to take in some serious nature. Not to mention that a little less than a month away marks a year of marriage for me and T. We're also planning to travel that day and zip up to Seattle for a baseball game.

I need to remind myself that I've made it through lean summers before, and I've found several low cost activities that have kept me busy: reading, hiking, practicing, cleaning, knitting, cooking, and attempting to learn a little more HTML to feebly keep up my web savviness. Plus I'm managing to poke out some vegetable plants with my balcony garden... they will get a lot of love as well.

So onward and upward! And pretending that the rain outside is not happening and that we're just reliving that week of sunshine we had last week.

2010-03-02T22:35:00.000-08:00

It's really, really often that I have students that claim something is hard. But lately, I find another quote coming consistently from my kiddo's mouths: "That's hard for me."

I respond by smiling sweetly and saying something to the effect of, "I know. It's hard for everybody."

There's even a smaller subset of kiddos that go on to explain why it's hard for them: the notes are jumbling up their fingers, they don't feel that they can bow that way, etc. etc. And again, I smile sweetly and respond, "Yup, you're right. That's exactly why it's hard. And practice will make it easier."

I feel kind of proud when I'm able to deflect this well. I think it's a good lesson. It's important to know what you can do in life naturally, what you can do in life with a little bit of work, and the tiny, rare things that you actually can't do. The vast majority of things in life fall into category B - work goes along with life. The natural things are wonderful, and may want to be something that you want to do with your life. But not me...

I know I'm naturally a good listener. I've learned some amazing things about people in the short time I've been on Earth just by listening to them. And I'm excited to learn more - it enriches my life the more I understand about humanity. I'm thrilled about how much I have yet to learn. Does this mean I want to be a psychologist? Nah. Interesting subject, but not enough interest for me.

Music, on the other hand, is something that I need to work at. All the time. Sure, I have some natural talent for my instrument, but it's not nearly enough to carry me. The violin is a challenge, every day, every hour. Music itself constantly leaves itself open to learn more. I can never learn enough, either. No matter how much you study music, there's always something else to do for yourself. Something else to improve upon. And using my knowledge of music and knowledge of life (limited as they both are) to relate the two just thrills me more.

The violin is a hard, hard instrument. And that's why I'm so fascinated by it and the study of music. It's hard for me.

2010-02-16T10:26:00.000-08:00

I have trying to research ways to get myself up earlier in the morning. I have no problem waking up when I have something to get to: a class, a doctor's appointment, a flight, etc. But when I have nothing to do until work (which starts at noon or 1:00pm for me these days), it is difficult to get out of bed to do things that I don't have to meet other people for: practicing, exercising, cleaning the apartment, etc.

The easiest way I have seen of getting up early is to have kids. This will not happen for a while, so I'm looking for other motivations. Any ideas? I could try going into it cold turkey, but while I'm waking up and still in bed, I will no doubt convince myself to stay there. (Heck, I've been up for an hour and a half now and I could easily convince myself to go back to sleep for another hour.) Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sleeping in - a lot. But I'm starting to feel like a lazy good-for-nothing who is enjoying her slumber too much, as I'm not getting much done.

I officially turn the floor over to you, dear readers. Any tips or hints would be appreciated!

2010-02-14T18:32:00.001-08:00

Aaaaaaguh.... I'm finding it so hard to focus. My mind is wandering much the same way it did back in June when we were a few days away from taking the trip out to Colorado to get married. I mean, come on - THIS is what awaits me Friday morning:

And this Friday afternoon:

And then, HELLO. Saturday:

The only thing missing is some facepaint to plaster the American flag all over my face. The ONE freaking thing I forgot at the store.

I'm sure the Olympic Village has emergency red, white, and blue facepaint for sale... right?

2010-02-10T21:53:00.000-08:00

I don't think we realized, as kids, how much power we actually had over adults. All it took were a few well-placed words in a vulnerable situation, and we had those adults wishing they knew what was going inside those tiny little heads of ours.

I'm only starting to realize it myself... all it takes during my lessons with the kiddos is an off-the-cuff comment. I'm personally invested in them as it is, and if they are able to involuntarily poke a nerve, it can really stay with me. It's amazing - kids don't mean it when they poke at a nerve. Adults do the same thing and it's emotional manipulation.

When does that point of understanding come about? I think for most kids, it starts young, with people you know well. We recognize that the cute things we do make our parents happy, and they're less likely to tell us "no" when we're happy, and therefore we act cute more often. We're taught in school at a young age that it's rude to point out things that could be perceived as flaws or insecurities. Pointing out another kid's bad skin or poor reading abilities makes them feel powerless. But where do the more subtle comments turn into manipulations? When can we start to read reactions of others and know we've said something wrong? I know there are still adults who have yet to figure this out... or who love the manipulation. But when a kid does it, they're still learning their own social interaction. And what is our responsibility as adults? Do we shake it off and chalk it up to childhood? Do we tell them they've done something that's stung?

My role as a mentor has plenty of gray areas like this. I have so much to learn.

2010-02-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

Amazing what a shower, a change of clothes, a little caffeine, and the right lighting can do to swing your day right around.

2010-02-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

We've gotten to GPOYW, and for the first time I decided to participate. I've got a cold that won't go away. I'm stuffy and irritable, and I've got four students today that, while they are delightful, require a lot of energy, which we can CLEARLY see that I don't have.

Here we go, world... HAVE AT YOU!!

2010-02-05T09:24:00.000-08:00

WARNING: THERE IS A PROJECT RUNWAY SPOILER CONTAINED HEREIN. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.
***
Thursday is good television. When Hubby and I can catch NBC's comedy primetime (minus Leno, of course), we always have fun. Community, Parks and Recreation, The Office, and 30 Rock, while not the strongest combination of shows I've ever seen on NBC's Thursday night lineup, is still a pretty strong block of shows. And afterwards, Lifetime has stuck Project Runway into the perfect post-primetime slot. So it was amusing, when, somewhere during a commercial break of Parks and Rec, Tom looked over at me, and with a mouth full of tuna and rice, commented, "Okay, Jesus is going home tonight."

I just hoped he was right. Not only has Jesus created some dismal designs, but he seems determined that his decisions are the best, and disregards Tim Gunn's comments as if they are not, on most occasions, PURE GOLD. He actually strikes me as quietly snarky. And when last night's challenge was an opportunity to work with REAL women of REAL sizes, he gushed at how tall and skinny his model was, and how easy it was going to be to work with her.

Fool.

It worried me a little when he sent down a wonderfully constructed piece down the runway. It wasn't my favorite, but it seemed well-fit and sparkly, and I thought "Ugh... they might really like it." To my delight, however, Michael Kors saw through his BS, as he seems to have a talent for doing. Jesus got the boot, and Hubby got to show off a smug smile for picking it way ahead of time.

Now it's a little difficult to pick a frontrunner. Amy ended up winning the challenge with a beautiful flowy dress draped in chiffon, but winning a challenge at this point is not too much of a power grab. Emilio has put himself forth as the most critical and bitchy, and if last season is any indication, he'll be the one winning at Bryant Park. I find myself intrigued by Seth Aaron's designs, but they may border on a little too individualized. And I just hope they keep Anthony around for a few more weeks - just for entertainment.

2010-02-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

So here's how my dream went down last night:

I had just landed in Australia to visit a good friend of mine who had been living there for a while, and meet her new boyfriend. I got off the plane, feeling jet lagged, and jumped into my own personal transport pod that started down the train tracks. A mellow voice piped in, asking me how I felt. "Just fine. Excited." I responded. The train pod kind of weaved and bounced around a little. "Oh, my," the voice remarked, "Be careful! I understand you're jet lagged, or maybe you're just drunk. I can give you something to make that better, if you'd like."

"Wait... am I controlling this train?"

As if it was painfully obvious, the voice responded, "YES. You steer with your feet!"

Supposedly I was lucky to make it out of there alive. I took the pod all the way to the rental car place, and it was pretty lucky I had the gentle voice telling me how to drive, because it turned out all cars in Australia are driven and steered solely with the feet. I was able to get all the way to the hotel, saw my good friend come out to greet me, and managed to trip over a cell phone charging cord as her boyfriend came out of the room. "Hi," he said in what I suppose could pass as an Australian accent, "I'm Ben."

"Hi, Ben - listen, I want my first impression for you to be a little more graceful. Could you take a few steps back and introduce yourself to me again?"
***
I only had ONE glass of Viognier last night. Where did all this come from??

2010-02-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll say this right here: I totally forgot how many notes Cosi fan Tutte has. I'm usually so good about telling myself to relax, pace myself, and play with limited energy during the operas. I've gotten good enough at it that I don't get tired anymore after playing them.

Except this one! Sixty pages and three and a half hours of fairly continuous playing. Turns out 45-second recitatives don't give us nearly enough rest to stretch out our muscles. I'm mentally AND physically exhausted after a playthrough. It's not often that I reach the last page of anything and think, "I really don't want to play anymore!"

It really is a great show, though. Opera is the only type of theater where there can be six different people talking about six different things simultaneously. My appreciation for the art only grows with every show.

2010-02-02T09:54:00.001-08:00

Happy Groundhog Day! I didn't get to sleep last night until 2:00AM.

I have a nostalgic feeling in my muscles now. It's the kind I used to get when I would stay up late studying, practicing, or socializing, then have to get up the next morning for an 8:00AM class. It's interesting how your body counts upon these energy reserves that it must keep storing up. It's a weak and strong feeling at the same time. Like I will totally make it through my busy teaching day with a ton of energy... just as long as I don't exert myself too hard.

Evidently Phil saw his shadow today. That might mean six more weeks of winter on the east coast, but here it's sunny and delightful. This is the kind of weather I moved to Portland for.

Violin piece of the day: Accolaÿ

2010-01-31T12:12:00.000-08:00

I've got a student who wants to learn the Accolaÿ concerto in a minor, and I'm more than happy to learn new pieces that my students want to learn. My repertoire growing up, after all, was kind of limited, and it may be a little cruel just to keep them caged inside the pieces I played at their age.

But how did my teachers miss this one??

This is a beautiful segue from the Suzuki book six or so into more complicated concertos and sonatas (Haydn D Major, Beethoven Spring sonata, etc.) While the shifts aren't too complicated and the fast passages fall pretty neatly under the fingers, there are some real musical challenges in this that I would have loved to learn and take on to know how to play concertos better. It's also not a full three-movement-er, just one big movement that takes you pretty logically from fast to slow to fast again, as well as from minor to major. (I can usually live without ending in a major key, but I suppose I'm not totally against it.)

I remember getting lots of little pieces after I got out of the Suzuki books: the first movement of a Bach concerto, the first movement of the Haydn D major, Thaïs Meditation, and Paganini's Moto Perpetuo. All good at gaining a few mega-important skills, but I then found myself thrown into Mozart D Major and Praeludium and Allegro shortly after. I think a few more steps in between would have helped me a little.

Violinists - any more important pieces that can bridge the gap between La Folia and ANYTHING Mozart?

2010-01-30T22:40:00.000-08:00

WOW, I am so glad I'm finally on the upswing.

I had one of those weeks where I felt like I was coming down with something flu-like, but had no symptoms except a weakness of muscles, achy shoulders, and a limited appetite. Sleeping in until 1:00pm yesterday and going to bed at 10:00 seemed to help. A LOT. Today was not nearly the blur that yesterday was. I may even have the strength to practice tomorrow.

I KNOW I was sick because I spent all my free time at home asleep - not dinking around on Facebook for hours, not even just laying down on the couch in front of the TV. I didn't leave the bed until I absolutely HAD TO. That's super sick.

The silver lining, if you *really* want to see it, is that since I've gone gluten-free, I don't get sick that often. I've heard that a big chunk of your immune system lies in your gut, and anecdotal evidence now agrees with it. I got something similar to what I'm recovering from about a year ago, right before my Seattle Symphony audition. (My timing really sucked.) I was pretty cloudy during the summer, but from what I can tell, it was all allergies. I also had a sore throat a few months ago, but it turned out that it was a small amount of mold that had collected on my water bottle. And that's about it... even when I spend six days out of the week among kids, many who soak up germs like sponges.

I plan on taking it easy tomorrow, and sleeping in a lot once again. Hopefully by Monday I'll be in tip top shape. Which is good, because I am going to give this NaBloPoMo one more go!! (Well, almost.)

Yes, February is the shortest month of the year, but I want to make up for the DREADFUL attempt I had in December. Besides, with my birthday in February, I often find myself a little more introspective.

I will have to double up a few days, as there will be four days where Hubby and I are taking our honeymoon in Canada. It promises to be memorable, though, and I imagine I will have plenty of fodder.

I've also been digging through my old, old blog posts on Diaryland and downloading them to my hard drive, just in case I can't access the web version someday. Every once in a while I find something that inspires me to write again - something funny, musing, or sad, but most certainly written in a pathetic, selfish tone that I hope one day to find endearing. Once I'm far enough away from the date to pretend someone else wrote it, I think I may.

There's some great and wonderful thoughts in my head. If I give myself a little while, I'm sure I'll find them.

2010-01-22T11:20:00.000-08:00

It was one of those normal viola lessons, although my student seemed more impatient than usual. More grumblings, more frustrations, and definitely less focus than normal. He was doing a good job as he normally does, but didn't really seem to think so. We kept on going, and I tried to maintain as positive of an attitude as possible to keep him motivated. At the end we played a very difficult duet that he's been working on for weeks.

After the lesson ended, I patted him on the back and told him good job. I was surprised when he let out a sigh of relief and a huge smile came over his face. "Thank you, I needed that." I waited a moment until he elaborated: "I have been really negative this whole week."

I smiled, saying things could get that way, and encouraged him to keep looking at the positive aspects of his music making. He nodded, thanked me again, packed up his stuff, and left quickly, as he normally does.

I just about teared up. I had no idea my pushing him was making his week better, and not more miserable. We, as teachers, never quite know what effect we're having on our students. It's pretty amazing when they tell us.

2009-12-13T10:23:00.000-08:00

While this won't get Student Quote of the Year, it does deserve the title of Fun Conversation I Had with a Student the Other Day:

Me: Bach was the most famous Barouqe period composer.
Her: "Bach" sounds like "Spock." WHICH REMINDS ME, have you seen "Star Trek?"
Me: What - you mean the latest movie?
Her: Yes!
Me: I sure have! I've been a Trekkie for years.
Her: That was SUCH a good movie! I love Spock - he's so funny!
Me: (thinking that the actual funny part is that if you've only seen this movie in all of the Star Trek franchise, that might be who you pick for comic relief, and not somebody more in the forefront of funny, like Bones or Scotty.) Yeah, he is funny!
Her: I want to get a vulcan shirt. I've seen them online.
Me: Maybe you should get vulcan ears.
Her: Yeah! Maybe, and a shirt that says "I'm half Vulcan."
***Later, after the lesson is over and we walk outside the room***
Her: (to her Mom) Guess what, Mom! Casey and I are BOTH Trekkies!

My students are the best.

2009-12-11T10:14:00.001-08:00

I need to constantly remind myself that I still have a week left of teaching after this week. My brain is on the verge of seriously checking out, telling me that "it is December and nearly VACATION."

While it is indeed December, there's still plenty of work to do. Tomorrow is the kiddo's recital, and while much of my energy is being spent getting them ready for it, perhaps even more is being spent asking whatever weather gods may be listening to not hit us as hard with the freezing rain tonight as predicted. They've worked too hard to get cancelled on.

And next week will be filled with new assignments and lots of inspiring talks about WHY it's important to practice over the holidays and that taking the entire two weeks off would be a very bad idea.

Do you suppose any of my students will take it to heart? More importantly, will I?

I sense a fight brewing in my own head to keep focused for the remaining teaching week. Stay on target...

And the winner for the best student quote this year...

2009-12-10T10:33:00.000-08:00

"It turns out I couldn't find my practice planner because my cat gave birth on it!"

Called the winner a week early, but really, what's gonna beat that?

2009-12-10T10:00:00.000-08:00

I am officially sucking at this posting every day thing. There are actually days where I just forget it's something to do.

Not that things aren't happening...

For instance, I have officially turned into a cold wimp. When it hit sub-zero temperatures in Chicago, I bundled myself up and marched on outside to school. Not as if I had a choice, since I didn't have a car, but I was always brave about it.

This week has been below 20 degrees before noon, and it's seriously cramping my style, not to mention making it REALLY hard for me to get outside and go to the gym. It really takes a lot of talking myself into it.

Plus they're forecasting snow this Saturday... that's right, on recital day. And when the snow hits the ground here, it tends to instantaneously turn into ice. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't happen - my kiddos have worked too hard!

Sending us warm thoughts would be wonderful. Meanwhile, I'll keep kicking my students in the butt. Even easier when I've had my exercise...

2009-12-06T10:20:00.001-08:00

Okay, so I didn't post on the 5th, gosh darn it. I guess I'll have to make up for it today with a couple of blog posts.

I know I'll most likely be complaining about the lack of gigs in a couple weeks, but having played my last concert of the year, I've got something infinitely precious: free days!! And today is one of them. I've got big plans, and I hope I can get through them all:

Clean the apartment (this is a pretty big task in itself, making me think I should get on it instead of write about it)
Assemble the tree
Practice stuff I want to practice, and not stuff I have to
Take a stab at making gluten free bagels (this will probably make up my second post today)
Go grocery shopping

The weather here is making it hard to leave the house, which makes me think I should just do it and get it overwith, and spend the rest of the day being domestic-y and warm. Did you know it can stay below 40 degrees for an entire week in Portland? I sure didn't.

Update later as to how I do.

2009-12-04T09:36:00.000-08:00

I've decided today to turn the blogosphere outward a bit... I need some advice. This is the first year T and I are hosting the Christmas season at our house, and because we've never had such a great place to plant ourselves, we are sorely at a loss for Christmas decorations. I am going to be the recipient of a plastic tree, courtesy of my violin friend who is making the big step up to a big tree this year. So now we are charged with stringing it with lights.

Here are the traditional ones... when I was a kid, I knew no other Christmas lights. Generous size, multi-colored, and the ultimate example of "festive."

Now these are a little more classic... these represent a clean, pristine holiday season, and have always been presented in my mind as wrapped around the trees of those who really have their life together. I'm not saying I'm part of that group, but I have no problem perpetuating the illusion.

These are always nostalgic. And probably necessary if I wanted to feel like it was Christmas in, say... 1992. I'm sure that was a good year.

But, ooooooh...

We may have a winner.

M&M's, by the way? Gluten free. :)

2009-12-03T09:02:00.001-08:00

I could post today about how much money sucks. About how much I suck with money sometimes, about how other people suck with money, and about how our success is inevitably measured by money. I'm at a place where I have it... just enough, anyway to give it away to utility companies, credit cards, and student loan corporations. But I'm also at a place where if others default on it, I tend to be in big trouble. So I could continue this post about the gig I played the first week of November which I have yet to be paid for, and how the date which we will be payed has not yet been nailed down.

But I won't - there are plenty of happier subjects at hand:

I work with very smart people and get to collaborate every day with their talent.
I have figured out how to cook for myself and my very finicky stomach.
I have an amazing family, two members of whom I get to see in 22 days.
My husband? Just plain cool.

Sometimes you need a few more good thoughts to outweigh the frustrating ones.

Turkey Pho

2009-12-02T09:39:00.000-08:00

I was somewhere in my education at UNC when my dear friend Stacey approached me and told me I had to, HAD TO try pho. We drove into the Vietnamese section of Denver (yes, non-Denverites, there is one) and marched into the pho restaurant Stacey had recommended. I fell in love, and gotten it several times since, until...

DUN DUN DAAAAAAAAH... CELIAC DISEASE!

The main ingredient in this delicious noodle soup is broth, and broth can be tricky. Depending on how it's made, barley can sneak in at every corner, and authentic pho restaurants (with the best pho) are run by authentic Vietnamese people, and the language barrier can sometimes make it difficult to explain your condition. Luckily, my mother got me a subscription to Cooking Light long ago, and I dug out an old issue that has plenty of ideas of what to do with your leftover turkey. (Turns out an 11-pound turkey for three people creates lots of leftover meat.) There it is, smack on page 250: turkey pho!

After a search around Tigard for star anise (thank you, Whole Foods), I was able to find everything in the recipe. Last night I enjoyed my first batch of homemade pho. Appropriately burning my mouth after just the right amount of sriacha being added.

My sister suggested I could market this newly activated domestic gene I've suddenly developed. Become a gluten-free, dairy-free Martha Stewart. I would love to give it a shot, but it seems there are a few people who already may have this market cornered. Delve into anything in the gluten-free girl's blog (link to the right) and you'll see there are so many amazing people who have paved the way for me to live normally.

I have never savored leftovers so much in my life. I hope this is a continuing trend.

NaBloPoMo Take 1

2009-12-01T13:27:00.000-08:00

Inspired for the past few years by my One Brick Shy friend you see in the links on the right, I have decided to give NaBloPoMo a shot. That's National Blog Posting Month. I figured December was a good enough month for reflection and currently unknown chaos that's sure to ensue, so here I go.

Today, after a half-hour drive, a small parking fee and a fairly large card charge, I am officially walking around today feeling like I look GOOD. I got my hair trimmed to the bob I've been rocking for the past few months, and finally managed to add some highlights. I was a little nervous when my stylist suggested "golden" highlights... I've had blonder hair coloring before, and it tended to wash out my face. But Angela has never steered me wrong, so I relinquished all control. She brought out not one, but three different hues to put in foils in my hair. It's subtle, but lightens up my color and gives my face a wonderfully bright look. Now I can start December feeling hot.

And that is all... I'm hoping for less superficial vibes for the next few weeks! Thoughts about the hair would be welcome.

Disgusting

2009-09-10T14:45:00.001-07:00

I have never been so revolted by people on BOTH sides of the aisle in Congress. I listened to the end of Obama's health care speech last night, on my way home from work. I had tuned in late enough that NPR made sure to get Republican and Democrat responses to the speech.

To sum up:

Republicans: A catastrophe!
Democrats: A beautiful speech!
Me: YOU ARE ALL CHILDREN.

Here's what I would love: civilized, rational people summing up the pros and cons of Obama's plan, vocalizing the needs and wants of their constituents in a calm way. Hopefully taking as much time to listen as they would to speak, if not more. I'm usually liberal leaning, but really EVERYONE is disgusting me. Joe Wilson's rude outburst is just as offensive as Howard Dean's smooth-talking "What a home run!" in referencing the speech.

Can someone point out to me some members of Congress who actually LISTENED to the speech, and didn't form a knee-jerk reaction based on whether or not they believe they should be perceived as rejecting or accepting anything that comes out of the President's mouth?

I'm open to recommendations.

Food

2009-08-31T00:08:00.001-07:00

I've been living for a good 13 months gluten free now. It's still a surprise when I have a wonderful, savory meal without running to the restroom. Or taking a nap. I've learned this past year that food is actually meant to energize you, and not slow you down. Before The Diet, I much preferred performing onstage on an empty stomach. Now I can't go on without having had something good to eat - I'm learning to burn calories in a good way and then refuel myself later.

It sounds like such a "well, duh" thing to say, but I'm still overjoyed every day I have successfully used food to my advantage. I have been able to go long stretches of days without a stomachache, something I never thought was possible before.

Back when I was first adjusting to this new way of eating, I read an article in Living Without magazine that was talking about the best way to eat out frequently being gluten free. The first tip the author gave was to break your emotional attachment to food. The theory being, that if you can bring yourself to accept that not every meal you have will be satisfying, you will be able to more readily adapt to difficult situations and enjoy the good meals even more.

The Diet, it turns out, had the exact opposite effect on me. I am even more emotionally attached to food now. Knowing that it's something I need for survival AND pleasure makes my relationship with food nearly codependent. There are wonderful consequences to this, and that is that I crave new recipes and savor the ones I am delighted with. Cooking and thinking about what to cook next has been an exciting adventure around here.

The flipside, of course, comes when I'm past denying that there may be one more thing I have to eliminate from my diet. I've been trying to ignore it, but my body is now screaming at me that I am lactose intolerant as well. I'm making an appointment to get the official diagnosis, but in experimenting with dairy free and dairy-full meals, it's pretty clear that I feel better when I don't have a lick of lactose. My stomach is much more relaxed. My energy level is up. My migraines decrease.

I didn't know how much this was upsetting me until a conversation with T last night, when I asked if we could try a dairy free meal to see how I reacted.

"Sure," was his response. He was a vegan for two years, after all. This would not be a dealbreaker for him.

"Great... I'm going to make some black bean chili." Totally easy and cheap, and super good with cheese and chips from Trader Joe's.

"Okay, sounds fine."

"I'll get some shredded soy cheese to put on top."

"Okay, I'll get real cheese."

I paused - clearly this wasn't an unreasonable thing to think. The cheese doesn't go directly into the chili pot. it's a topping we add to our own individual bowls. At first I tried to argue that only one packet of shredded cheese would be more cost effective. He waved it off, saying he didn't mind buying the real cheese himself.

This escalated into a point where I was pleading with him to eat the soy cheese with me. "Why?" he understandably asked.

"Because I don't want to feel like a freak for cutting one more damn thing out of my diet!"

This surprised even me. I had been so optimistic up to this point, knowing that lactose intolerance was not something I had to monitor so closely like gluten. No cross-contamination issues, just ask for the cheese off my salad. Get another burger besides the cheeseburger. Use soy cheese when you can.

T asked thoughtfully, "You feel like a freak?"

"Kinda."

He shrugged. "Okay, then, if you want me to eat it with you for that reason, that's not a problem."

And we did have a lovely black bean chili tonight, complete with soy cheese. T even commented on the stellar meltiness, which had obviously been improved upon since he had last had it.

And my tummy? Full. Happy. Not bloated. Crap.

Time to head back to the allergist for a lactose intolerance test. It may not be necessary, but I do know I won't have the discipline to avoid dairy unless I'm given a medical diagnosis. I also don't think I should complain about my ailments until a doctor tells me I have them. It makes the whining much more satisfying.

Lucky readers. I hereby promise not to make the next few posts so negative and oh-woe-is-me. I've got enough stress in life from other areas that if I can get this one little problem fixed, I can concentrate on some other stuff with renewed optimism and energy.

And eventually, I'll be able to go back to food with the same convictions.

Our brains are hard wired with music

2009-08-05T10:29:00.000-07:00

Stop thinking music is dispensable.

2009-08-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

Pros of summer:

Nice weather, for the most part, although the recent heat wave in an apartment on the 3rd floor with no air conditioning rendered me completely useless for a good week. No relief even from the car, since the AC is broken in that, too. We are now back to highs in the mid-80's and lows below 70. The Northwest is now as it should be. (read: cooler than Colorado in the summer.)

More lacksadaisical schedule. I'm only teaching five days a week instead of six, and there are very few gigs coming my way. There's some great things about relaxing for a couple months. I get to do things like... read for pleasure.

Allergies go away from spring. (Took them long enough... I was taking Claritin way into July.)

Cons of summer:

The mosquitos. Enough said.
***

Okay, not enough said, because I am in pain from my stupid bites I got in a distant relative's backyard the other night. 13 in total. One of them is on my foot - this happens once almost every summer. First there's the bite that I absentmindedly scratch, only to discover eventually that my fingers are gnawing away at my skin, and scream, "Oh, no!" Then there's the mad rush for Benadryl cream, which will indeed help every bit I have EXCEPT the one on my foot. Then there's the swelling - it will go away temporarily when I ice it and rest it, but as soon as I need to put any weight on the darn foot (like, when I walk ANYWHERE) the blood rushes down and the foot begins to grow to the size of Connecticut again.

So my plan for today, pretty much, is to make my students do all the work. I'm not getting up from the chair in the studio. They'll be able to take one look at my foot and see how hobbly and gimpy I am.

I just hope nobody thinks I have the mumps!

Dear Citizens of California:

2009-05-27T11:53:00.001-07:00

Have you ever thought of this?

California is a heartbeat away from declaring bankruptcy. (Heard it on PRI's "Marketplace," please don't try to deny it.)

Weddings are a multi-million (if not multi-billion) dollar industry. That's money going in to venues, food vendors, fancy attire, florists.... you get the idea.

So, yeah, citizens of California. Make it so that the thousands of couples in your state who actually want to get married and pour all this money back in to your economy CAN'T. That seems reasonable.

Californians are EXTREMELY proud of their state. (This is not a fact I heard on "Marketplace," but I don't know anyone, Californian or not, who would disagree with me.) I'm just suggesting the people who are squeamish about gay marriage take one for the team.

Could the Supreme Court, by the way, have chosen a more "try-to-please-everyone" judgement? You can't say that some people are more equal than others. That's not your job.

Thanks for listening. And stop being so stubborn when there's an answer to your financial troubles right in front of your face.

2009-05-06T12:10:00.001-07:00

It's bizarre what a difference seven years can make. When I was 19, I remember going across the street to my friends' apartments, getting happy with some drinks, and the next morning curing the oncoming hangover with some scrambled eggs. I was good to go.

I got quite a bit happy last night, and had tons of fun in the process. Of course, today, my stamina is quite low. I just want to go back to bed. This will require some energy of sugary sodas to get me through. That's a medication I normally reserve for migraines. Is there any relation?

I have noticed that there is no sign of a headache... that in itself will make my day much easier. :)

2009-05-01T10:37:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling a little silly posting something like this - it tends to have a little too much overdramatacism attached to it, and I've heard so many comments of "You're so young! Don't WORRY about it!"

I have reached what I think is as close as I'll get to a crossroads in my career path. And it's been a long time coming - my professor in undergrad told me that I seem to be interested in what appears to be a musical buffet, and I can't decide on my main entree. I could teach, I could be in an orchestra, I could play chamber music, I could research. BUT, as it turns out, I can't successfully do all these things. And this bums me out, because I would really like to.

For a few months (which is probably not nearly enough time) I focused sincerely on orchestra auditions. And then it hit me that at the moment, teaching my kiddos is the most rewarding part of my day. I thought "I'll go get a doctorate," and then I could teach in the college system somewhere. But is that actually what I want? Or should I keep pushing ahead with the students I have, trying to get them ready for bigger auditions and better positions? (It may not surprise you to learn that I've grown quite attached to them.) Of course, this also precludes my desire for educational outreach a little bit. Researching and practicing pieces on a theme and then performing a set of lecture recitals sounds absolutely dreamy to me.

It's frustrating as well, because with all my wedding planning (which I'm also enjoying!) I have a mighty full brain. It's close to max capacity, and I think after the wedding, I'll have oodles of free brain space to fill. And yes, I realize I'm mildly comparing my brain to a computer hard drive. It's not an unreasonable analogy.

2009-04-08T23:17:00.001-07:00

I am getting married in 10 and a half weeks. Holy crap.

I'm not nervous in the least. Sure, I'm getting the typical anxiety dreams and such, but they're never about cold feet or Tom forgetting to show up or something. No, they're about things that would NEVER happen. Like my niece saying she just didn't feel like being the flower girl anymore. Or Tom and I getting lost in the hotel and missing our own ceremony. Or our photographers getting pissed off because I did not look model-y enough to be a bride.

Shit, what if any of those things DID actually happen?

The most amazing thing is how sneakily the date is sneaking up on us. Tom and I recently celebrated five years of being together. It was a great milestone to reach. However, the whole night was just an example of how much we've grown as a couple. I felt like we slinked through the ODS building without a stumble, floating through as if we could each anticipate the next step of the other. We held hands without looking at them ahead of time. Stealing a kiss in the elevator, catching a drink at the bar, and sighing with content at the view from the thirtieth floor all went without a hitch or a second thought at what the other may be doing next.

And now we're getting married. I just don't think things will change all that much between us when we get back home. It's a big party for our family and friends, and an excuse to vacation nicely in Denver. And after that? We'll go back to coming back to the apartment after work, taking our respective places in the living room (me on the couch, Tom on the recliner) and checking out some of our shows on the TV while eating whatever concoction we felt like whipping up that night. Correct me if I'm wrong - I think this is already marriage. The rest is just paperwork.

Maybe after we get married, we can frame the paperwork and hang it somewhere to remind ourselves of this change in our relationship that I'm very excited about and yet don't forsee as much of a change. Anyone have any insights?

2009-01-02T13:39:00.001-08:00

So far, I've eaten today:
Goat milk yogurt with pomegranate (thank goodness I finally figured out how to get the seeds out of these things!!)
A smoked salmon and cream cheese sushi roll

After my $8.99 purchase of a toaster, my next plan is to fire that baby up and finish off the rest of my homemade tzatziki sauce along with some quinoa tabbouleh atop a piece of gluten free toast.

I'm just impressed with myself! Not to get too sentimental here, but being diagnosed with celiac really has opened my eyes to the wonderful world of food out there. When I ate anything and everything, I didn't have to look to far to find something I liked. I tended to stick to the stuff that worked for me and my taste buds. So when a lot of those things are suddenly not options anymore, you find yourself looking harder to find things that delight the tongue. And in the process, you end up discovering foods that weren't even a twinkle in your eye before.

I'm eating WELL, here. In fact, tonight, Tom and I are making burrito bowls a la Chipotle right here at home. We've been doing great with cooking lately. We improvise, we steal recipes from our friends, and we imagine how to make the stuff we eat at restaurants all the time. (Which we'd end up having to modify ANYWAY.) And reading posts like the ones over at the gluten free girl website make me crazy inspired to try new things. (Of course, Iron Chef America also gets me inspired... just a completely different source.)

I tell you, if someone ever says to you, "Look, the bad news is that you have to be diagnosed with an auto-immune disease. The good news is that you get to pick which one!" Pick celiac. It's so doable, and frankly, I'm eating a much more balanced diet than before. I guess I pretty much have to.

2008-12-22T21:10:00.000-08:00

I know you probably woke up this morning thinking to yourself, "What is stressful, frustrating, and beautiful all at the same time? Seems like something Casey would know the answer to..."

I do, and it's pictured above.

It's not frustrating because it's unplayable. It's frustrating because it's NEARLY playable. I ALMOST sound really good on it.

But not quite.

2008-12-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

This photo was right outside the Keller auditorium as I left my last Nutcracker performance of the season. As you can see, there's very little distinction between the roads and sidewalks here.

The bad snow started a week ago. All my students were cancelled this week. I've only left the house a few times, and now we're supposed to get yet another two inches of snow tonight. It's fine for a while, until we realized this bad weather is inching dangerously close to Christmas Eve, when we have a flight booked for Colorado. We are starting to get nervous about leaving on time.

I also think I'm starting to go slightly stir crazy. I think I'd just like to get out and take a walk tomorrow. You know, bundle up in my winter garb and venture out, just like the good old days in Chicago. Except not nearly as much eat-your-face temperatures.

Updates on the bunker situation as I get them.

Giddy!!

2008-12-18T12:09:00.001-08:00

I can't post what Tom's Christmas present is, lest he read it here and the surprise be ruined.

But I am INCREDIBLY proud of myself. I am one hot fiancée.

For all you non-Portland readers...

2008-12-15T22:59:00.000-08:00

I am not complaining... TRUST ME. I would take Portland weather over Chicago weather ANY DAY.

But, as I understand it, this kind of thing just doesn't happen here.

Tom and I awoke on Sunday morning, still discussing the plan to take me downtown to my Nutcracker performances. I stumbled out of bed and peeked through the blinds. Then, chuckling, I pulled them up to show Tom the treat that was outdoors: SNOOOOOOOW!

At that moment, a whole inch had fallen on the ground, and it was still snowing big, fat, luscious snowflakes, the wind whipping them around - supposedly to increase the panic that was about to ensue.

See, Portland just doesn't get snowstorms like this. People who grew up in Portland and never ventured elsewhere don't really know how to drive in the snow. And the city doesn't have a fleet of snowplows to take care of such emergencies. Every once in a while, you'd see a truck drive by on the news, dropping gravel, but other than that, people pretty much stayed off the streets. Except for a slight bit of hustle and bustle around the Keller to see the Nutcracker, Portland was pretty ghost-towny. And school cancellations were flying off the charts by 5PM.

Off one inch of snow. One inch!! One inch in Colorado means whipping out the good sneakers to walk to school, and leave the ones with duct tape holding them together at home.

Of course, Colorado has a very different type of snow. It's just snow (not icy usually), and an average of 300 sunny days a year usually melt it off pretty fast. Portland's humidity and moisture content turn the roads into a pretty thick sheet of ice - all it takes are a few tires to pack it down on the road. There are lots of chain and studded tire rules here, especially for the freeway. And when Tom and I took the truck into Portland, we saw many, many unfortunate and abandoned cars on the side of the road that just couldn't make it up the hill. Not having lots of snow perhaps means not knowing that your basic 2-door sedan just won't cut it up Barbur Boulevard.

Right now it's calm outside, though the snow and ice still remain. My students are cancelled for tomorrow, however, as most school districts here are taking another day off. And we're expected to have another heavy snowfall come Wednesday. It's been an interesting, bunker-style situation. Should be a slow Christmas shopping week as well... and that's just weird.

Of course, the snow sure is getting me in the Christmas spirit. It's not sneaking up on me like it did last year. Now I've got the inkling to make hot chocolate, but this was the first GF recipe that I could find. No agave nectar or stevia in my pantry - I'm a bad, bad celiac. I think a trip to Whole Foods tomorrow is worth braving the ice sheet.

2008-11-25T12:31:00.000-08:00

So I wasn't technically "tagged" with this... I just stole it from Reva. And the tag doesn't really work for me: going in to my pictures folder, opening up the 7th folder and posting the 7th picture. I don't have 7 folders yet. (I imagine a wedding will change ALL of that.) So I simply got my 7th picture in iPhoto, and that is the gloriousness you see above. The fellow getting pummeled is my hubby-to-be, while the fellow doing the pummeling is his buddy from tech school. This was taken last year, when the Rockies and the Phillies were vying for a World Series spot, and both these guys felt they needed to represent their respective home states. (In case you had forgotten, the Rockies made it all the way to the World Series, only to be swept by the Red Sox... booooooo.)

I have actually been thinking about this guy and his fiancée a lot lately, and was happy to find this picture. Last year, that couple happened to be at as similar a point in their lives as we were. She's a really kickass piccolo player looking for an orchestral career, and after an undergrad in music, he decided repair was the way to go. Sound familiar? We devised a plan last year that both she and I would make it in to the same orchestra, and then our hubbys could open a repair shop together. Then they ruined everything by moving back home to the east coast once repair school was done. And now? Well, we just miss them like crazy.

It turns out Portland, while one of the coolest cities ever, puts you pretty far away from a lot of places. We find this longing for our friends creeps up on us a lot. And our families often seem out of reach. Knoxville's an even harder place to access than Portland, it turns out: on Thursday we're taking an hour flight to Seattle, a 4 hour flight to Cinncinati, and then another hour flight into Knoxville. We're leaving the house before anyone should humanly be expected to function in the morning and getting in just in time for dinner. My brain is still doing backflips trying to figure all that out. I just hope the exhaustion from travelling will get me to bed at a decent hour and I can get up early enough to offset the jet lag. (I guess I'm not that worried about sleeping in... Thanksgiving with my family includes a 6-year-old with some big lungs.)

I always seem to wax nostalgia in this thing - don't get me wrong, life here is still pretty great. We've got great friends who we've all sucked in to our world of card games, and just last night I had a tremendously fun and educational time reading Beethoven quartets with some great people. Seems like there's this constant balance, though - how often to feed the part of me that misses people, and how often to indulge in the present. I think they're both necessary.

For now, though, I'll do neither. Our apartment's a mess, and I've got it in my head that it's going to be clean before we leave. Who knows whether or not this will actually happen. :)

People are talking!!

2008-11-25T12:27:00.001-08:00

I love comments on my blog posts! I'm just sorry it's taken me so long to get around to them! I promise now I'll start talking back. :)

2008-11-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

You never quite know the joy of a functional digestive system until you live without one for many, many years. I have to undo over a couple decades of bad eating habits. After thinking that cramping and running to the bathroom half the time after eating was just normal digestion, I've trained myself to eat through the pain. I've only seen the benefits of eating as the nice tastes that hit my tongue, and not the numerous other ones; a healthy diet can give you more energy, you can actually CONTROL your bloatiness every month based on the things you eat, and being properly fed has an enormous impact on your mood.

And thank goodness for Chipotle, an unexpected gluten-free haven that encompasses joys of both the palette and the gut.

It's taken quite a while of diet adjustment, and I'm still learning. No dairy yet, as my belly's still healing - lactose is difficult to digest for weak intestines. And not too many vegetables or fruits at the same time - too much fiber can bring the cramping all back. However, today's lunch cuisine was one of Chipotle's chicken burrito bowls, with rice, black beans, two different types of salsa, and lettuce sprinkled on top. No dairy, no gluten, plenty of protein, and not too high in the calorie count, either.

Not only was it delicious, but I'm typing this entry now almost two hours after eating it, and my stomach feels WONDERFUL. No cramping. No hasty digestion and running to the bathroom. A calm and relaxed belly is an amazing feeling, and every time I think of the way it used to be, I tear up a little.

It's going to take a while to feel like this calm of a stomach is normal. But the relief I feel over this is 25 years worth. And that's not an exaggeration. I can't believe there are people living with this condition for 40, 50, even 60 years before somebody figures out what's wrong with them. My quality of life has gone up enormously.

I also had a great night at Fred Meyer last night where I hit the gluten free MOTHERLOAD. After grabbing just a couple things from the gluten free shelf, I ventured out, more from curiosity than anything, to find something else that sounded really good. Some sort of Thai noodles really struck my fancy, and I found myself in the ethnic food aisle. (Still not sure why they call it that... they could say the Mexican and Asian food aisle and be more accurate.) I found tons of alternatives, from the Thai Kitchen and A Taste of Thai brands that were ALL gluten free. In fact, the Thai Ginger instant soup I had last night (the closest thing I've had to Ramen noodles in a long time) would be an easy conversion to egg drop soup.

The hunt for things I can eat can become exciting with the right attitude. Lumping the products on the table in front of Tom last night, pronouncing with each package, "Gluten free! Gluten free!" felt amazing. I'd have to say, if I had been told that I HAD to have an autoimmune disease and was forced to pick which one, I'd take this one in a heartbeat. Celiac disease, in this day and age, is completely livable.

Exhaustion

2008-11-18T11:18:00.001-08:00

I wonder if it was just pure tired-ness that caused me to sleep as hard as I did last night.

Which was HARD.

I didn't feel that well yesterday - I poured all my energy into my lessons and Linfield rehearsal, so by the time I got home, I was physically worn out and had a hint of a sore throat. I had the chills, and bundled myself up under the blankets within an hour of getting home. The last thing I remember saying to Tom was, "It's a really bad time to get sick! And it's so cold in here!" Tom then wrapped his arm around me, intent on warming me up, and it must have been exactly what I needed - I fell right asleep, and woke up this morning in the exact same position. I didn't even MOVE last night. I feel a little better, but still like I'm coming down with something.

I wonder if it's the pure volume of stuff I've been doing. I'm teaching 24 students now, in the midst of more than one concert series, and I'm also trying to prepare for two auditions in January. Why am I taking auditions? Because there are parts of the year where I encounter a long period of time with NO checks, and I'm just not sure I'm cut out for it anymore!

I don't want to move, but I'm not sure the opportunities are available for me here. Tom and I are doing just fine for ourselves, but we both agree that we want a family someday, and need to start looking for an advance in our careers. I know it will come along in some form or another, and right now is a time when we're simply paying our dues. And this is - what, character building?

However, a week from Thursday is Thanksgiving. That's going to be a long day for the two of us. But by the end of the day we'll be in Knoxville, surrounded by my whole family. It hasn't happened for two years, all of us getting together: the parents, the sister, brother-in-law, niece, and the hunny all at once. We both need a vacation, and we can't imagine a happier time than hanging out with the fam. So I'm just going to push through the exhaustion, make my way through my box of diet coke, and wait until the day when I can think about nothing but sitting on the big red couch in my parents' living room, sipping wine, and playing Trivial Pursuit.

2008-11-14T14:01:00.000-08:00

I don't get it... separation between church and state seems so simple.

Protection for the church from the state: if the church believes a member isn't adhering to their doctrine, they have the right to ban this person from their church, free from questions and certainly free from government prosecution.

Protection for the state from the church: religious beliefs and doctrines shouldn't affect lawmaking for the American public.

Why is the country that I so dearly love seeming to have such problems with this concept?

Proposition 8

2008-11-11T10:09:00.000-08:00

I think Keith really sums up a lot of my feelings here. But just to offer a few more reasons for why the passage of this amendment is cruel, inhumane, and just plain terrible, I'm trying to think of all the possible reasons someone would have voted for this law.

"The Bible tells me homosexuality is wrong."
Fair enough, and I truly respect whatever religion you believe in. I think one of the main Biblical passages people reference to prove this is when Lot (I think it's Lot - please correct me if my reference is wrong here) ends up staying with his family during the night close to Soddom. Late at night, two men come to his tent, wanting to have sex with him. Lot says no thank you, but the two men persist, apparently supposed to appear evil. Why doesn't anyone tell what happens next in the story - that Lot offers up his two young daughters for sex instead? I understand the guy was scared from two people who were obviously invading his privacy, but doesn't that technically make him the worst father EVER?
EDIT: If I've got this right, the Bible also tells you not to judge, lest you be judged. And to love your neighbor. And to treat people the way you would want to be treated. Isn't this passage a miserable failure to do all three of these things?

"I don't know how to explain to my children what they see when we pass two men holding hands on the street."
First, you're assuming a child would see something wrong with that. Children aren't born with the idea homosexuality is wrong, right, or just an aspect of life - they're taught it. And secondly, if you're too cowardly to explain something as simple as the idea of homosexuality, (in child terms, it's as simple as "a boy falling in love with a boy or girl falling in love with a girl") perhaps you should rethink this whole parenting thing. There's a lot of way more awful stuff in the world that extends past homosexuality you'll have to explain to them. When you think of rape, starvation, genital mutilation, and genocide, alongside hundreds of other terrible things that happen in this world, doesn't explaining a form of love seem like a wonderful thing to tell your children about?

"It's a question of protecting the sanctity of marriage."
I'm sorry, but this argument is old and desperate. It's actually a question of stripping someone of their civil rights as an American. You forget that heterosexual couples don't have to be in love - don't even have to KNOW each other - to get married in this country. It's a wonderful country we live in, and no one would ever think of taking that right away from the people who have it now. Oh, except California. And in many other states, they'd stop it from even happening.

"The more gay couples we have, the more gay kids we'll have."
While I know this isn't true, I'll suspend my logic for a moment and go with this. And I don't see a problem with that. Perhaps they're afraid their own child may be approached by a gay friend of theirs, asked on a date, and become uncomfortable. Shouldn't they be taught to react like all other similar situations? If you're not interested, politely decline. If you are interested, take it slow and enjoy yourself! Besides, when I look back on my history of dating and sexuality, all, and I repeat ALL of my uncomfortable experiences were with MEN.

Perhaps I'm missing something I've forgotten here, and I'd love to be enlightened if that's the case. Because at the moment, I find this a simple, unconstitutional amendment. You grant something to one American that you won't grant to another. You're not allowed to do that in this country, no matter who you are. I'm hopeful that this will be taken to the supreme court and be repealed. So does Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger at the end of the referenced article.

I can't wait to call Tom my husband. I'm so unbelievably thankful for that right. And it makes me heartbroken that in California, nearly 40,000 people had that right and that joy briefly extended to them and then taken away. It marks the first time in American history where a right was granted to someone and then taken away. It's brutal, and it's a terrible treatment of our fellow citizens.

I love you, America.

2008-11-04T23:31:00.000-08:00

2008-11-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

My life is currently spread in several different directions, and the happiness and sadness has kind of worked its way across my brain to form some sort of mealy numbness.

On Friday, I learned my best friend's mother had committed suicide. It's one of the most awful, terrible, things that could ever happen to anyone, and the fact that it happened to her makes it so much worse. She's a brilliant, wonderful, vivacious person with a wonderful sense of humor, and I know if anyone has the strength to get through a blow like this, it's her. Still, I hurt for her, and I feel so far away from her.

And really, there's no good way to segue from that statement, so I'm just going to do a clumsy one.

This need to get a new job is getting more and more apparent. The Oregon Ballet Theater (Theatre? They're kind of pishers either way) decided to cut the orchestra's Nutcracker shows from 15 down to 6. For you non-freelancing musicians out there, the Nutcracker is pretty much our ONLY source of revenue in the holiday season, and if you're able to get yourself in an orchestra like this, you're set through this hard season of no weddings and no concerts in other orchestras. Oh, unless they pull something like this. I've gone from one gig away from making it through a rough spring without many jobs to, "Huh - how am I going to pay my January student loans?" It's a big deal, and I don't understand why they don't get that if they call us for a service, we usually have that money earmarked for something.

On top of all this, everyone I know (including myself) is anxious about this election day. In my mind, Obama supporters have far more to lose if McCain wins than the opposite way around. (After all, one of the advantages in America is being able to choose what to do with your OWN body. Seems simple enough.) It's such an important, tense day in American history, and I'll just be glad when I can absorb and deal with the decision.

It's not all bad, as I've made it sound. I'm preparing for a couple auditions in January that I'm very excited about. I'm getting freaking ORGANIZED for these auditions. :) And the wedding planning is still going well - I'm thrilled to be able to host an event where the purpose is to just hang out and be happy. (Well, except for the people we had to cut off the invite list so we could make our budget... they're not going to be happy.)

And, right now, I'm going to go running. It's been great for my body and my mind, to just let my stress wick right off me.

2008-10-26T22:41:00.000-07:00

I brought up google images and searched for "stress", but didn't find anything nearly as appropriate as when I searched for "augh." This is a pretty accurate depiction of how I feel these days...

I've taken up compulsive list-making. For my personal practice, for cleaning the apartment, and just generally getting stuff done, including things for work, planning ahead meals (can't just hop over to the Chinese place anymore...) and finding I need to actually make appointments with myself for things like eating. This may be a sign that I'm too busy.

The good thing that I've taken from these past few weeks is my exercise routine. I think running is actually the only thing keeping me sane. I'm addicted to it - while I'm running, I don't have to do anything else. I just give my body natural energy and feel fitter for half an hour every other day. And now, on the days where I come home, frazzled and nearly in tears from the hectic-ness of my life, I find my brain telling me, "Hey, you should go running. You'll feel so much better."

Maybe the toned body will be enough to keep pushing me through this rough time. I don't think my schedule lets up until, oh, February.

Rocking life of a freelance musician.

Running, Day 4

2008-10-21T11:38:00.000-07:00

It's cold now, in Oregon. The winter has come, which here means approximately 40 degrees in the evening and 60 degrees come about noon. It will be this way until June.

Damn, I love it here.

I decided, for the first time, to make use of the fitness room here at the apartment complex. (Read: a treadmill, elliptical, and weight machine crammed into a small room that hardly anyone uses.) And there are some serious advantages of working out there. I was able to pace myself appropriately, making sure I was running the same speed during all my sprints. There was indeed no one else in there this morning, so I had the room all to myself. And while I worried that the huge mirror in there might betray the wonderful ignorance that nature provides of what I look like when I run, I actually didn't look too bad - my form is improving the more I do it.

I did end up sweating a lot more in a temperature-controlled environment, however. Turns out when you go running in 45 degrees, the outdoors kind of take care of the sweat part. I also didn't get to explore my neighborhood as much, which I've really been enjoying lately. Maybe alternating the two scenes would keep my training up while giving me changes of sceneries.
***

My stomach makes no sense to me. In addition to gluten, it seems the list of stuff that makes me sick has expanded to milk, avacados, and now, possibly zucchini. I'm keeping a food diary to track what may be the culprit... perhaps the small amount of dairy is enough to make my intestines inflamed again, but it's so hard to give up my tiny chunk of swiss gruyere every day...

I've just realized I'm stepping into a potentially gross stream of thought. Let's just leave it at me being bummed about the avacados.

Teacher Gems

2008-10-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

I did the math today: 14 years straight of private lessons. And during that time, I've learned a lot. The stuff that's stayed with me is mostly stuff that, uh, made me crazy. Or made me cry.

On weaknesses:
"I'm making up nicknames for all my students for what they need to work on most. You? You're Casey 'Intonation' Bozell."

On consistency:
"You know, when you're good, you're pretty good. But when you're bad, you're really bad."

On other teachers:
"Who's that guy you used to take with? The one who couldn't teach his way out of a paper bag?"

On perspective:
"When you first came here, Casey, you couldn't play a single note in tune."

On practice strategies:
"Did you even look at this piece this week?"

So when I have a student, who, after picking up the first line of Twinkle Twinkle brilliantly, claims the jump to the second line is way too hard, I want desperately to come up with a gem of my own. You know, something like, "SUFFER!!!"

I don't, however. I restrain myself.

I'm such a good teacher.

Running, Day 3

2008-10-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

What a difference a week makes...

I found not nearly as much strain in my running this week, and I think there's a few things that are attributing to that. Obviously, my body is going to find it just slightly easier to run every time I do it, as it gets used to the pain and torture I'm ruthlessly inflicting on it. I also stretched more this morning before I went out (amidst plenty of pops in my muscles - turns out Swan Lake will tighten things up a bit!), and I ran in a quiet neighborhood to make sure I wasn't inhaling car exhaust the WHOLE time I was running. Again, no hacking up a lung, though I did feel a little soreness in my breathing near the end, which I'm pretty sure was because I was breathing in 40 degree air. Day 4 will start a new week, and new tests to my running apparel. Thank goodness I sprung for that sports bra!

In other news, today is my momma's birthday. I'm sure we'll end up bringing her a present when we get out to Knoxville for Thanksgiving, but I'm a little stumped as to what to get. My parents, each in their own way, are a little hard to shop for. They'll both be appreciative of whatever they receive, of course, but my mother, when asked, never wants to burden either me or my sister with the act of getting a gift, claiming our undying love or adoration will be enough gift for her.

Blahhdy blah blah. When really pressed, the best she can come up with is that maybe she needs a new pair of socks.

My father is very forthcoming with what he wants. And most of the time, what he wants starts with the words "circular table saw", combined with some model number and fancy brand name. These usually run in the $500 - $3000 category, and historically are second in gift request only to a high definition big screen television. My grandparents recently got one of those, and every time he's over at their place, suddenly all is right with the world. The Packers could be losing by three touchdowns late in the fourth quarter, and all that manages to come out of his mouth is "but... lookit the picture!"

Christmas, Dad's birthday, and Father's Day are always a mad dash between myself, my mom, and my sister to be the first to pick up the latest Madden Football or Metal Gear Solid game. I usually lose.

So I guess I will go with love and adoration at the moment, because truthfully, it's all I got. Hopefully, sometime within the next month, I'll find something that will just be PERFECT for Momma, and hear those beautiful words of gratefulness, "You didn't have to!"

My quest to become a runner

2008-10-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

I have just finished day 2 of my running program... that's out of 27. It's been a dream of mine for a while to consider myself a runner. Right now my label might be someone who runs twice every year after she's forgotten how hard it is. Hardly a regular runner.

But I have plenty of reasons to continue. Back in June, I set a goal for myself to lose 20 pounds by Christmas, and miraculously, I'm halfway there. Just working out regularly shed 5, and the gluten free diet automatically took off another five. Then, for about three weeks, I found myself stuck. I have to up the ante just a bit. Enter week 1 of the Couch to 5K program, which involves a five minute warmup, and eight intervals of running for 60 seconds and walking for 90. It ends with a five minute walking cooldown.

Here's my experience as an official Runner so far:

Day 1: Felt really good until I realized I planned my run around the neighborhood badly, and my last running sprint ended up on the wrong way up a terrible hill. I spent the first couple minutes of my cooldown period heaving and feeling just awful. I then recovered, and found myself breathing relatively shallow breaths by the time I got back to the apartment. I then took a shower, and proceeded to hack stuff up for the next couple of hours. (Really attractive healthy girl. I felt like a smoker.) I realized my path had taken me right next to pretty busy roads, and I'm sure I had been inhaling exhaust and just general crazy cold air for the past half hour. After I cleared my lungs, however, I ended up feeling GREAT - so much so that I decided it was totally worth it to try running outside again, just take another path.

Free Day: I found I needed a little motivation to go ahead with day 2, so I bought some running pants - they totally paid off.

Day 2: Found a different, though still pretty hilly path to take today. I ended up finding a coffee shop within walking distance (what a nice weekend walk that would be for me and Tom!) and an eye care specialist, which, given the state of my eyes, I should have just cut my workout short and demanded an examination. Made a mental note to never run on Hermoso Way, as there's a dog that NOBODY'S watching that will run, barking at me, and follow me until I'm an appropriate distance from its house. (Doesn't yelling "Excuse me! Dog!" make the owners take notice these days?) At the very end of my run, I found a really sweet residential area that has barely any traffic and seems to go on for long enough to get my whole run in... I must explore this more on Sunday. Didn't take nearly as long to recover, though I made sure I ended my run on a flat surface. And though I was pretty sweaty, I have yet to start coughing. I'm assuming this is a good sign.

I am really excited I found that nice, set away neighborhood - that's where I'm going to start on Day 3. There's a big, scary hill pretty soon in to it, but if I make sure I'm running uphill in the middle - not the end - of my run, I feel confident that I can tackle it.

It's weird how this need to run has hit me - I think it's because for some reason, in Portland, EVERYONE is active. Even the stoner crowd wants to be outdoorsy. And for some reason, like staring at the group of smokers in the ditch behind the highschool, I want to know what it feels like to be in the "in" crowd.

My last word about this subject today: I have decided that I'm most certainly looking ridiculous as I run, and I am not yet ready to run with other people. So to all my Portland friends, if you're thinking to yourselves, "Hey! A new running buddy!" - think again. I'm still new here, I JUST got you all to like me. You think I'm going to let you see me heaving, panting, and wiping spit off my mouth while trying not to trip on my own two feet? Hell, no, not yet. Give me time!!

Thanks, Reva!

2008-10-14T22:17:00.000-07:00

www.handbagplanet.com

I'm girly. Sorry.

THE DEBATE

2008-10-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about it!

2008-10-07T11:29:00.001-07:00

The good news: I believe I'm finally making progress in being able to swallow small pills... something I've struggled with my entire life!

The bad news: I've only really been able to succeed at this with Fresca.

Could all local doctor's offices and emergency rooms stock up on this for me? I'd really appreciate it.

2008-10-06T23:34:00.000-07:00

Okay, so maybe it's no secret who I happen to be voting for in the upcoming election. This doesn't mean I'm not open to discussion, and if you aren't voting for this guy, you shouldn't be, either.

Now, if you're not voting, I don't think I'm in a place to discuss anything with you until you change your mind. I simply have no tolerance for that stance.

Oregon's pretty much already decided - we're a blue state through and through. So when I was cut off today by a pickup truck with a "McCain/Palin" sticker prominently displayed in the back window, my reactions were "Hey!" and, almost immediately, "Ew!!"

It's a knee-jerk reaction. I learned it from my parents, whose philosophy is, "If you ever vote for a Republican, just please don't tell us."

And then I began to feel bad that I reacted that way. Here's a fella - a Joe Six Pack, if you will - who I didn't even know. I wrapped up all his philosophies and ideals in one little glance made after the frustration of slamming on my brakes. It's not like I'VE never cut anyone off before, and it's not like I don't know what his frustration must feel like right now. After all, I was living in Colorado for the 2000 election. And heck, I may have run into him through my new exciting hobby of political blog reading. He could very well be this guy.

We live in a culture where it's considered impolite to talk about politics in normal conversation with people we don't know very well. I've never understood that part of our society. Isn't it far more inefficient to NOT talk about it? How can we ever get things done? In fact, I've always suspected that it's not actually impolite, so much that one American doesn't want to look another American they're kind of fond of in the face and tell them they think everything they stand for is wrong. So we've come up with these labels of Republicans and Democrats to swiftly stop a conversation before it starts. To identify as one is supposed to tell anyone and everyone everything they need to know about where you stand. As if opinions and rational thought aren't fluid things that are SUPPOSED to change and be thought through. Or is that just my Left Wing Rationalism talking??

The age of blogging is an age of change, and I'm so happy. Because, much like breaking up with someone, it's so easy to put your political discussions in written form and leave it out for someone to read than to actually seek out a person-to-person conversation and debate face-to-face. And that's good enough for me.

It's a hot topic. And I'm excited to discuss it with anyone who's willing. Including that pickup truck driver.

2008-10-06T10:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'll admit... I'm not sure this is completely healthy. I wake up in the morning, and I'm friggin' HUNGRY. But if I wait for a little while, the hunger pangs go away, and I can work out a little bit. Theoretically, I burn more calories this way, because I'm not busy trying to burn off breakfast. But after spending the last few months putting the microscope up to my digestive system, it worries me a little bit to mess with it like this. After all, I just got it working again.

But I'm kind of excited to start this running program again. Robert Ullery designed a wonderful podcast that follows Cool Running's "Couch to 5K" program. He sets it to (cheesy) techno music and tells you when to start running and walking at different intervals. It seems really effective, if I can just stick to it.

Besides, I tried on my wedding dress again, and while I admittedly look pretty good, I'd like it to fit comfortably on my wedding day. This means losing a few pounds - not a dramatic amount - and the best way to do this healthily by June seems to be putting myself on a reasonable but not dramatic exercise plan. Running seems to fit the bill...

I think I'll start next week. You know, after I have a chance to buy a few more sports bras.

2008-10-05T18:34:00.000-07:00

Question... can you read this??

For the past few days in the pit, during our Traviata run, those crossovers to the ballet in the violin section have been practicing a huge book filled with pages that look like this. A recording of said practicing would be much more effective, but I'll attempt to lay it out here in blog form:
fragment of music played
"What?"
two notes played
"What the hell is that note?"
A slide up to an unknown and unwelcome position
"Waitaminute. One, two, three... that's a G sharp?? Shoot!"

Thus begins our run of Swan Lake. And thus continues a pattern of somewhat fruitless practicing and blaming of my glasses prescription that's two years old.

2007-09-07T00:15:00.001-07:00

I'm a little lonely, okay. I should have gone to Matt and Renee's tonight instead of almost being killed in an intersection I didn't understand on my way to Thai food that I had a craving for... only to feel like I was on display by being sat prominently in the middle of the restaurant, facing the front door. Chaba Thai's food was good, but they really wanted me to go through some sort of mental battery.

I practiced today, and might even practice some more before I go to bed... what else am I going to do? I feel like I'm the only one of my species to forge a path into this strange land... but when I contact the other members of the species, they feel as lonely as I do. This seems inefficient. Couldn't I bring all the people I love into one convenient location where we could all reside and have perfect jobs together? I feel like the course of my life has led me farther and farther away from the most important people in my life, and I think that's one of the saddest thoughts I've ever had.

How do I get past this? Which is more important in my life: my family and friends who have seen me through so much being close to me constantly - or making sure I keep my career dreams intact?

Never really considered the possibility to be either or. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to face what the answer may truly be sometimes.

2007-08-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

I don't want to give you the wrong impression... this city is incredible.

I mean, really. I'm a block from a light rail stop. I'm on the second floor (which gives me a much less chance of being robbed... yet another upgrade from my last place.) And it cools off at night here. No more humidity to hold in the heat until you die.

This doesn't seem to outweigh all my mind has gone through in the past month. Almost exactly a month ago, Tom proposed to me. This made me incredibly happy; I've never known I could love someone as much as I love him. Since I've become one half of a betrothed couple, the following has happened:
-I have packed up my entire apartment
-I've moved across the country from Chicago
-I've driven a Honda Civic with no air conditioning all the way from Knoxville
-I've failed to spend a week in the same place since I moved (unsure of exactly when that will happen)
-I left everyone I came to know and care about for the past two years, and therefore felt like as much of a chump as when I left Colorado

I guess it's not that farfetched to suggest that I'm freaking out a little.

Everything is strange to me. I spent last night alone, in my new apartment, with new sounds and smells surrounding me. I don't think I slept very well, and as it approaches midnight, I anticipate the same problem again. (It doesn't help that the dinner I made for myself tonight appears to be making me sick.) It makes a big difference, knowing there's a pair of arms I can jump into if I get scared in the middle of the night. I never anticipated being so dependent on something... and maybe I'm not, but there's a lot to be said for security and familiarity.

I think I need a stress reliever. Yoga, bubble baths... I need to figure something out to get myself focused and in a routine. Stuffing down bad Chinese food at 2 in the afternoon and then gagging on your comfort food that you somehow managed to screw up - Casey, you're not doing a lot for your mental state.

Whoever this reaches in the ethos - just send me a couple of good thoughts. I promise to send them back to you tenfold... once I get on my feet again.

Thanks, all. Here's to hoping tomorrow proves a bit better!

Love,
me